walk on water

Totally thought that I might be "getting over" homesickness. Until we started trying to celebrate the holidays... Thanksgiving was just weird. I felt like my entire heart was absent from the day. Like I was sorta "floating" over my body. I felt outta whack.

But then as we have started decorating for Christmas my homesickness has hit with a massive. And I mean. Massive vengeance. Maybe worse than emptying that old #8 (that was our home in York that we recently had to move out of)?! It's a tough second if not a first... I haven't decided yet.

And I feel like a total jerk writing this stuff down. Like I am ungrateful for what I have... and I hope that anyone who is reading can see (and feel) that is not the case. I am so grateful to God first that He has given us this time to prepare. I am so grateful to family that has surrounded us and made their home into ours. I am so grateful for loved ones consciously making memories and making each time together something intentional. I am grateful.

But I am beginning to come to the realization that this time is not as much about making those last memories as it is beginning a grieving process. And see for this girl who would rather flee than deal with any awkward situation that is way outta my comfort zone. I am forced into staying and mentally and emotionally preparing for the separation that is to come... but I am finding myself totally "checking out".

When will the hurt stop? I just don't know if it will... It's so weird to be anticipating the future, but hating dealing with the realities that come with it too.

I am so grateful that my God is personal. He knows what my confused and crazy brain and heart need because I am totally and completely clueless. I trust Him and His timing. And I will continue to rely on His strength. It is the only thing that will pull me through this.

I am singing "Walk on Water" by Brit Nicole tomorrow morning when we speak at a church (LOL - we are an entire family act!), and the words are supposed to help us explain what it is to live on faith and answer God's calling. My heart is in shreds as I reread these words from the second verse - they might as well be my own:

"So get out
and let
your fears fall to the ground
no time to waste
don't wait
and don't you turn around and miss out
on everything you were made for
I know you're not sure
so you play it safe
you try to run away
if you take that first step
into the unknown
He won't let you go"

I was made for this new life, and He won't let me go. So I will keep relying on His strength and you all can keep praying me through.