filtered: healing will never come (until my circumstances change)
For months I have been feeling pressure to blog. But, I gave myself the excuse that what I really wanted was just to vent (ha!). Or that maybe if I wrote my honesty would somehow show me too vulnerable or weak. Or maybe it was just time for me to shut up (boy, it wouldn't be the first OR last time for that! hee hee) and keep some of my musings to myself. Or that maybe the truth of my circumstances would somehow not glorify God. (I can be such a goober.) However via a new friend (hi, Angi!) I now know that is has in fact been the Holy Spirit's leading me to work out my salvation via my writing. Its about high time I make the time to focus on writing again, something that gives testimony to His working in my life, helps me process cause I am just slow like that, and brings joy to my heart. So here goes nothing!
Life has been way hard here. For a long time. For way too many reasons. I won't go into the details of it all cause that would just be too messy. Now y'all listen up, k? I am totally not trying to paint a pity party for you, but this thing, this missionary thing, it's no joke.
It seems I have been telling myself that I just need to heal from past hurts, but have come to the realization that what my gut was saying was that HEALING WILL NEVER COME while your circumstances remain the same. Something I didn't expect. I mean really, we followed the Lord's leading and calling on our lives to PNG, so life should be easy right? I guess that is a little of my spoiled brat showing. (Yeah, so more than a "little".) It is a weakness of mine to believe the lies of my American culture. Well, this one lie in particular in this circumstance - if you do what you are supposed to do, work hard for it, and be good then life should be easy... meaning God should make things easy for me cause I earned it.
But duh, Sara. What does the Scripture say about suffering? And since when is my relationship with Christ something I earned? (Yeah, yeah, like I said I am a little slow.)
So, back to the lie I have been allowing myself to believe. My heart was feeling that until my circumstances change, until life is easier and more comfortable, that HEALING WILL NEVER COME. What's so ironic is that I have been praying and praying and begging and pleading with the Lord to heal me. Heal my hurts. Allow me to trust again. Find peace, even in this place. Yet, not believing it would happen until He changed my circumstances.
"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:24 NIV
And then, guess what? It happened.
Yup.
He was doing it, healing me, and I didn't even know it.
And you know what? My circumstances haven't changed. They are still exactly the same.
Why, why, why do I - time and time and time and time and again - allow myself to try and limit what He can do? I don't know when He did it. Began healing me, that is. Healing my hurts. Allowing me to begin trusting again. Finding peace, even in this place. But He done done it y'all. (Yes, I meant to write it that way. *its the red neck in me). The veil of my pain and hurt is being lifted. Life is somehow looking sweeter again. Manageable. Doable. And nothing is different around me. What is different is IN me. God is healing my hurts. He is bigger than my pain, and not limited in any way by my circumstances.
So I have rambled on quite enough. Let me get to the truth of the matter. When we began this walk of life - seeking to live in full obedience and follow His calling on our lives to PNG - yeah, when all that started... God gave me this:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
For a good long while, my head and heart weren't connecting on this truth. I just figured once my circumstances changed that was when the plans for prospering and not harming and hope would come to light. It's like I was trying to help Him out. You know? But, I was wrong. He didn't need my help. Surprised?! I think not. (It's the humanness in me.) And exactly why, even when I didn't know it was happening, the healing that is, I had to keep returning to the truth of the matter. His Word. It's what grounds me. Centers my life.
Healing will come. Healing HAS come. In fact it snuck up and bit me in the behind! Healing will continue. He told me so, and I believe Him.
Life has been way hard here. For a long time. For way too many reasons. I won't go into the details of it all cause that would just be too messy. Now y'all listen up, k? I am totally not trying to paint a pity party for you, but this thing, this missionary thing, it's no joke.
It seems I have been telling myself that I just need to heal from past hurts, but have come to the realization that what my gut was saying was that HEALING WILL NEVER COME while your circumstances remain the same. Something I didn't expect. I mean really, we followed the Lord's leading and calling on our lives to PNG, so life should be easy right? I guess that is a little of my spoiled brat showing. (Yeah, so more than a "little".) It is a weakness of mine to believe the lies of my American culture. Well, this one lie in particular in this circumstance - if you do what you are supposed to do, work hard for it, and be good then life should be easy... meaning God should make things easy for me cause I earned it.
But duh, Sara. What does the Scripture say about suffering? And since when is my relationship with Christ something I earned? (Yeah, yeah, like I said I am a little slow.)
So, back to the lie I have been allowing myself to believe. My heart was feeling that until my circumstances change, until life is easier and more comfortable, that HEALING WILL NEVER COME. What's so ironic is that I have been praying and praying and begging and pleading with the Lord to heal me. Heal my hurts. Allow me to trust again. Find peace, even in this place. Yet, not believing it would happen until He changed my circumstances.
"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:24 NIV
And then, guess what? It happened.
Yup.
He was doing it, healing me, and I didn't even know it.
And you know what? My circumstances haven't changed. They are still exactly the same.
Why, why, why do I - time and time and time and time and again - allow myself to try and limit what He can do? I don't know when He did it. Began healing me, that is. Healing my hurts. Allowing me to begin trusting again. Finding peace, even in this place. But He done done it y'all. (Yes, I meant to write it that way. *its the red neck in me). The veil of my pain and hurt is being lifted. Life is somehow looking sweeter again. Manageable. Doable. And nothing is different around me. What is different is IN me. God is healing my hurts. He is bigger than my pain, and not limited in any way by my circumstances.
So I have rambled on quite enough. Let me get to the truth of the matter. When we began this walk of life - seeking to live in full obedience and follow His calling on our lives to PNG - yeah, when all that started... God gave me this:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
For a good long while, my head and heart weren't connecting on this truth. I just figured once my circumstances changed that was when the plans for prospering and not harming and hope would come to light. It's like I was trying to help Him out. You know? But, I was wrong. He didn't need my help. Surprised?! I think not. (It's the humanness in me.) And exactly why, even when I didn't know it was happening, the healing that is, I had to keep returning to the truth of the matter. His Word. It's what grounds me. Centers my life.
Healing will come. Healing HAS come. In fact it snuck up and bit me in the behind! Healing will continue. He told me so, and I believe Him.
I honestly don't know what to say other than you continually teach me about what it means to live me life for Christ. Thank you for sharing the good and bad no matter what, and being honest about what God is doing in your lives. Continuing to pray for you.
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