Empty, and empty, and empty, and empty...
I don't know how long I have stared at this blinking cursor. I don't know how many times I have fought off tears, waiting for a more convenient time, only to have those blasted things appear when they are uninvited. Sometimes, my heart swells with excitement and other times it aches with brokenness. I want to process all this, this stuff, I am feeling... honestly, I do.
Taylor graduating high school. Tia right behind her... leaving Ukarumpa and knowing though I shiver with excitement about the new opportunities that will be here when we return I fall to pieces inside thinking of returning without being able to touch them, hug them, kiss them. How will I live day to day with them on the opposite side of the world from me? I can barely breathe just trying to imagine it.
I want to be excited. I do. Excited for their new lives just opening up to them. The whole world at their footstep. The whole world, new, fresh, and bursting to life with possibilities.
Something else is eating away my insides too. I used to watch my mom do it when I went away to school hundreds of miles away for weeks and weeks at a time. Now, I am doing it. Counting the days until the end. She counted they days until we left for school (or returned, but I was never there for that part *smile). But this counting... the counting is the end of my life as a hostel mom. Not just any hostel mom, but mom to those who are permanently embedded into my heart.
You know they (who are they any way?!) say you know it's the right time to leave or end a part of your life when it still hurts to leave or end it. Well let me admit it here then... I am dying inside. Three weeks from today Taylor graduates high school. Three weeks from tomorrow I hug and kiss (yes, I will lay wet ones on those cheeks!) two of MY boys goodbye. One I may see in a year. Lord, please give me more time with this kid. The other, well, I think this is it. His life is rearranging and I don't think our paths will cross again on this earth. And no matter what, even if I get to see them again. Even when we have Taylor home for weekends. It just won't ever be the same.
I am trying to cherish these days. While not smothering them all. They still need their space. And honestly I still need mine, but yet my heart is still breaking.
I gotta find a silver lining I tell myself... it was precious loving them during this time. If it didn't hurt so bad it wouldn't have the same worth - our relationships - our time together. But DANG IT, I don't want a silver lining. I just want this ache to ease...
So, what does all this mean? Ann Voskamp words are much more eloquent and easy to follow than mine:
"A mother fills, only to empty, and empty, and empty, which fills her full again — and isn’t this giving away the way to have it all?"
Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done. It takes all of me, all the time. Empty and empty and empty indeed! I don't get to quit when I am tired. Being a hostel mom is hard too. Loving kids who don't know you, and sometimes when they do get to know you don't always tend to love you back. Loving kids that aren't 100% yours. Loving and sharing. Loving them with the reality always looming over your head that your time together is short lived.
The words from Ann's blog post continue:
"There are a thousand ways to be stretched thin and it’s the stretchmarks that a woman wears that can be her thin places, giving her more of God. The only way to have it all… is to have Jesus. And then like Him — to give it all away – one quiet wave of grace after another."
The time is almost here for me to give away my time with Taylor, Tia and these boys. It's drawing closer... with some a few days away and others a few months or just a little over a year. Yet, each time I give away, emptier and emptier it feels, I know the reality is that I am gaining as I rely more and more and more on HIS strength to pull me through.
"Empty, and empty, and empty, and empty, which fills her full again... this giving away the way to have it all."
Taylor graduating high school. Tia right behind her... leaving Ukarumpa and knowing though I shiver with excitement about the new opportunities that will be here when we return I fall to pieces inside thinking of returning without being able to touch them, hug them, kiss them. How will I live day to day with them on the opposite side of the world from me? I can barely breathe just trying to imagine it.
I want to be excited. I do. Excited for their new lives just opening up to them. The whole world at their footstep. The whole world, new, fresh, and bursting to life with possibilities.
Something else is eating away my insides too. I used to watch my mom do it when I went away to school hundreds of miles away for weeks and weeks at a time. Now, I am doing it. Counting the days until the end. She counted they days until we left for school (or returned, but I was never there for that part *smile). But this counting... the counting is the end of my life as a hostel mom. Not just any hostel mom, but mom to those who are permanently embedded into my heart.
You know they (who are they any way?!) say you know it's the right time to leave or end a part of your life when it still hurts to leave or end it. Well let me admit it here then... I am dying inside. Three weeks from today Taylor graduates high school. Three weeks from tomorrow I hug and kiss (yes, I will lay wet ones on those cheeks!) two of MY boys goodbye. One I may see in a year. Lord, please give me more time with this kid. The other, well, I think this is it. His life is rearranging and I don't think our paths will cross again on this earth. And no matter what, even if I get to see them again. Even when we have Taylor home for weekends. It just won't ever be the same.
I am trying to cherish these days. While not smothering them all. They still need their space. And honestly I still need mine, but yet my heart is still breaking.
I gotta find a silver lining I tell myself... it was precious loving them during this time. If it didn't hurt so bad it wouldn't have the same worth - our relationships - our time together. But DANG IT, I don't want a silver lining. I just want this ache to ease...
So, what does all this mean? Ann Voskamp words are much more eloquent and easy to follow than mine:
"A mother fills, only to empty, and empty, and empty, which fills her full again — and isn’t this giving away the way to have it all?"
Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done. It takes all of me, all the time. Empty and empty and empty indeed! I don't get to quit when I am tired. Being a hostel mom is hard too. Loving kids who don't know you, and sometimes when they do get to know you don't always tend to love you back. Loving kids that aren't 100% yours. Loving and sharing. Loving them with the reality always looming over your head that your time together is short lived.
The words from Ann's blog post continue:
"There are a thousand ways to be stretched thin and it’s the stretchmarks that a woman wears that can be her thin places, giving her more of God. The only way to have it all… is to have Jesus. And then like Him — to give it all away – one quiet wave of grace after another."
The time is almost here for me to give away my time with Taylor, Tia and these boys. It's drawing closer... with some a few days away and others a few months or just a little over a year. Yet, each time I give away, emptier and emptier it feels, I know the reality is that I am gaining as I rely more and more and more on HIS strength to pull me through.
"Empty, and empty, and empty, and empty, which fills her full again... this giving away the way to have it all."
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