flailing

The other day I reached into the shower to test the availability of hot water (it's a big thing here in Ukarumpa hostel-ville - the lack of hot water). When I reached in I happened to notice a fruit fly. There he was with his little wings plastered against the side of the shower (held there by the wet wall)... hanging upside down with his little arms and legs just a helplessly flailing in the air. I imagined (though I have not investigated the fruit fly anatomy to actually know if this is true) his only line of sight was the blank white wall that he was stuck to. And there he was. Stuck. Upside down no less! With all of his known existence being what he could see... white nothingness. And it struck me. Sometimes I look and deal with life the same way he was right then. Flailing in white nothingness.

We have been dealing with a difficult situation for the past few years. One I believe almost all missionaries deal with at some point in time or another - finances. I know everyone deals with financial needs. I am not saying us missionaries are different or more special or something. We are just like you, just different in an un-special sort of way. We get sick like you (you being the average person living in America), but often times the medical treatment we need is a mountain of paperwork, a medical visa, and a very expensive trip to another country away. We need stuff like you, but to get most of the stuff we have to shop (or have a friend shop for us - yay, Myra and Angela!!!) and pay an arm and a leg for postage to get it here, wait for it to arrive for a few weeks or months, and pay massive import duty to get our hands on it. And sometimes when it's big or heavy stuff (like Marty's tools or our linens and other house things) we have to send it to ourselves via sea freight that leaves NC three times a year, arrives to us at least six months later, after filling out a mountain of paper work and having it notarized, and then pay fees upon fees upon fees to get it into our little hands. And then there is the whole living by faith thing... trusting God through His people to provide for your every need. There is no "oops, got a unexpected medical expense, guess I will work an extra shift or Marty will do this side work to make up for the extra cash flow need". Nope, none of that. See just like you, just different in an un-special sort of way.

So, what does all this have to do with a hill of beans (or a fruit fly)?

Since arriving in Papua New Guinea for several reasons outside of our own control we have had severe financial strain (okay, I will be honest and blunt, we have been living on borrowed money each month). It's not that we are wild spenders. Honest. Life here is just more difficult and almost always more expensive... and so... huge strain.

Approximately nine months ago, the Lord laid it upon our hearts to pray boldly that He would eradicate the debt that has incurred since we arrived here in PNG... the entire amount. All the shipping charges debt, all the medical debt, all the travel debt, and all the living expenses debt. Two years worth. Before we left PNG soil.

Over and over and over again I have prayed the words from Romans 13:8,

"Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another"

So, we prayed and we prayed and we prayed. And we asked others to pray. And they prayed and they prayed and they prayed, and then 21 days ago we received a crazy generous gift with a note telling us to allow "God's love to overwhelm us". The gift was enough to more than cover every debt. 

So we praised God! And we cried, and we shook. We began, for the first time, to look into the future months with anticipation of what was to come. It was if a burden was lifted from us that we didn't even know was there. We were breathing again when we didn't even know we had been holding our breath. So then we told everyone else. And they praised God. And we celebrated together. And they celebrated. #truestory

And then, well, that is where this gets complicated... especially cause we still don't really know what is happening. For some reason or other beyond explanation or our control we haven't been able to receive the gift yet. Eventually we will (God's timing is always perfect), but not yet. And we were crushed. Here we are just twelve days from leaving and as it seems we will leave PNG still owing.

So when I saw that fruit fly hanging there upside down flailing and staring at only white nothingness... I felt I could relate. 

Right now our lives are in turmoil. Our finances are outside of the realm of our control. We are packing up our lives for furlough. God is closing the door to a part of our lives as children home parents that won't most likely reopen, and that means our family feels like it is being ripped to shreds. After more than a year and a half of living life as a huge family we are shrinking back down to our original six. I am watching our girls deal with goodbyes that most "normal" people don't ever deal with their entire existence... and one of them is only eight. I see them cry and I hurt. I cry for them. I cry for me... and this is all mixed in with the excitement of leaving! Cause leaving also means being reunited with family in America. But then it's hard face the reality that that same arrival means Taylor's departure (for college)... But then we are all excited about almost always having hot water for showers, high speed internet access, smooth roads, the freedom to walk or travel after dusk, drink from the tap (!), listen to the radio, and of course to be able to hug my mom and dad, meet friends for coffee, shop (!), igo igo (and on and on)... like I said life as a whole at this point in time, even without the financial strain, feels outside of the realm of our control.

But isn't it that way for all of us? I believe we all have a tendency to believe in a false sense of security. That we are in control of our lives. Our finances. Our health. Our children. 

My emotions, and that fruit fly, got me to thinking on God's sovereignty and our limited perspective.  So I took a peak at things via BibleGateway.com, and using the search option with the New Living Translation version, the word 'sovereign' is displayed 291 times. To the best of my knowledge, in all but four of five of those verses the word is used a title. The Lord Sovereign. Indeed. Sovereignty is defined by Webster's as having supreme power. Yes, everything is within His control. He has supreme power. It is who He is - sovereign. 

I think that what Spurgeon says on God's sovereignty is brilliant, "God has a plan, depend on it: it were an insult to the supreme intellect if we supposed that He worked at random, without a plan or method. To some of us it is a truth which never doubt, that God has one boundless purpose which embraces all things, both things which He permits and things He ordains. Without for a moment denying the freedom of the human will, we still believe that the supreme wisdom foresees also the curious twisitngs of human will, and overrules all for His own ends."

When I feel like that fruit fly hanging upside down flailing my arms in legs staring at white nothingness I can trust in Him. God has a plan. He knows and sees beyond my perspective. In time, my wings will dry and as I fly above and beyond the white nothingness of my circumstances my eyes will be opened to the reality of what my actual circumstances are. He doesn't work at random. In the meantime, I will attempt to flail a bit less heartedly as I wait upon my Sovereign Lord to show me what my future holds... to bring all things to His own ends.

"The Lord is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in Him." Nahum1:7 NLT

**No fruit flies were harmed in the writing of this blog post. *smile*