releasing my 'fake' button

Everyone has particular buttons that if you push you get a knee-jerk reaction to. You know which button I am talking about… that one that triggers a response that you wish it wouldn’t trigger? Or at least wouldn’t trigger it as quickly? That button that when pressed you fight to control the reaction to? For instance, I know exactly what my husband’s biggest buttons are. Right off the top of my head! (Twenty plus years will get ya that.) Respect. Honesty. Two incredibly valuable things that give glimpses to me (and any one else who is paying attention) of my man’s incredible character and the importance and value in his life on integrity. (Yep, I do love and admire him just a tad.)

My biggest button is realness. Guys, hon-est-lyyyyyyy, the very moment I detect ‘fake’ I start to shrink, shrivel and squirm from disapproval. My insides start to dry out and I may upon occasion physically shutter. No lie. The ‘fake’ button for me can sometimes be pressed by something I see in others, but most often it gets mashed (how’s that for a southern term?) from internal pressure. Yep, little ole me, pressing my own buttons…

The thing about these buttons is that when you give them too much attention they can lead to massive disappointments and frustrations. Expectations or demands of any sort have very distinct way of way of spurring that, in my humble opinion. Those frustrations and disappointments can spread like wild fire when more than one (I think we all probably have a few buttons each) are pushed in unison and without relenting. (FYI, I also have a button for cleanliness. Cleanliness and floors particularly. Yes, it’s a serious struggle here in the land of dirt roads.)

But that really isn’t where I want to head. Into muddy waters that I know nothing too much about. Remember these are just all the ramblings of my head and heart. This is more of a place to get-to-know-Sara than it is for psychiatric advice. (HINT HINT. Massive sarcasm alert.)

Guys. Guys. Guys. I wanna talk openly and honestly about the pressures I have and am experiencing as a missionary when it comes to my ‘fake’ button. I think I have found a pretty big and impressive word for my button. ‘Fake’ does seem a bit harsh. So, I have named my button ‘incongruence’. I really like what Kay Bruner says about this. “When you’ve got incongruence, your messed-up insides don’t match your pretty missionary outsides.” GAH!!!! This is my life!! It is torturous for me to feel like I can’t be all the way me, raw and soul-naked me. Cause, quite tragically, there are places where loud laughter should be stifled. Instances when it would be more culturally appropriate to not wear blue jeans and a super hero t-shirt. But mostly, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to talk about how the very breath feels squeezed out of my chest and life when I can’t be honest with what I am really struggling with.

Can I get a witness??

Is there anyone, anyone, anyone else out there whose skin basically crawls at the idea of conforming to all social norms and cultural expectations?

(Today I walked past another American on the road and answered his polite “how are you today?” with a “fine, thank you” and felt as if I had betrayed the world. Sigh.)

Well, folks, grow that by a gazillion and that is what it feels like to be me on the mission field in a teeny tiny, closed, living-on-top-of-one-another, super duper multi-cultural community. There are things in my life that I can’t be in-your-face-honest about and share with people because it would have a negative effect on the over all role of our ministry here, our organization’s role in this incredible country or could possibly even compromise security for our community. There are also things I am struggling with that come from my own personal perspective that could be extremely damaging or painful to share within our teeny tiny closed community. And there are parts of me (okay, so it’s most of me) that seriously won’t fit into the average churchy slash missionary box no matter how hard I might wish to try. (I know. I know. I haven’t tried very hard to fit in that box. In fact when people try to put me in it I quickly try to jump back out!!)

I realize I am being completely vague… mostly cause I am talking about so many different scenarios and goings-ons. Couple that with the fact that I haven’t given any particular wonderful words of encouragement either and well, what’s the point of all of this? Maybe I really write because I need to process what’s in my brain to figure it all out…

But seriously though, some bigger than the average missionary-normal things have been happening in my life of late. From all over the place in my life, and God is writing my story with very distinct details. However for way too many reasons sorting through most of what is happening isn’t something I can write or talk openly about. And it isn’t something I can request transparent prayer for (except for a very select few in our inner circle). Which leaves me feeling massively incongruent. I feel like I need to stand up upon my blogging rock (insert image of me on mountain top with a homemade towel-cape flowing in the wind behind me!) and proclaim some things to bring me back to a place of transparency, clarity, and realness. I am feeling ‘fake’ cause (maybe to some) it looks like my life is too easy or too much fun or maybe even a little dull.

So, without any further ado, here are my vague proclamations.

Life is hard right now for boo-coodles of reasons, and I am not a perfect missionary.

There! Now the world knows it!!  And I feel less fake incongruent. My ‘messed-up insides’ are a little more visible.

Well then. You must be an itsy-bitsy bit curious about what God is teaching me about myself through this extreme button pushing time in my life. Cause, you guys, He never wastes a thing!!!

I haven’t gotten it all figured out, but I have learned a little bit. First, the Lord has been pretty clear to me in my searching for why this particular button even exists in my life. I’ve found the answer in that I have a deep heartfelt longing for God-given and God-glorifying truth. God has been tugging at my heartstrings in the midst of this messiness of my life. Okay, okay so it feels more like He is yanking. Yanking on my heart about the value of truth.

“Live as children of light for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth” Ephesians 5:8b-9

Okay, so if my button exists for a good reason then how-in-the-heck can I get it to release?

Here is the main verse He has drawn me too as I have looked for an answer.

“This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you, ‘God is light, and there is no darkness in Him at all.’” 1 John 1:5 NLT

The Lord has been clear to tell me “I got this”. Basically, when or if it the time for these things to be brought to light comes, then He will take care of it. See, it’s not my job to release the button. It’s His. In His sovereignty, by His hand, for His glory and in His perfect timing if these things I am dealing with need to be things that others need to know then He will make them known. Not me.

What a relief. What freedom. Especially that I can be me in the waiting. Loud laughter, superhero t-shirt me. He has given me my safe little inner circle and is meeting my needs for transparency on a smaller level for now as He sees fit.

Seems a little simple now that I have processed it all. But then again… when has waiting ever been something simple for me? It’s because I trust Him and know His promises that I can move forward in this.  

Here’s a little analogy for you… A few weeks back I purchased a lovely new-to-me espresso machine. A friend who also owns an espresso machine came over to show me how to use it. Let me just say, we learned by trial and error what not to do. Let me see if I can explain… the water heats in the chamber and as the pressure builds a button at the top of the machine pops up. After steaming the milk and brewing the espresso shot you turn off the machine and the pressure slowly decreases by releasing the excess steam. Only once you have released the steam and the pressure has decreased, will the button lower back down and then it is safe to remove the coffee grounds from the filter holder. If you don’t wait (and we didn’t) and you attempt to remove the filter holder the pressure will release. But it will release when you remove the filter holder. The pressure released will also free all the coffee grounds. Explosively release. All over the kitchen. With a giant ‘BOOM!’.

So rather than rush the process of waiting for my button to release and risk exploding things into a giant mess… I will continue to wait upon the Lord.

And He is faithful. And He will bring light to whatever needs to be illuminated.

Deep Out Of Darkness by Leah Rigsby and Stephanie Ernandes

“You uncover the deep out of darkness, deep out of darkness

And bring deep darkness to light, darkness to light

Flood me Lord, flood me I need you now, I need You now
My darkness redeemed by Your light, redeemed by Your light

Thank you Lord, for revealing the contrast, revealing the contrast
Your glory Lord, flood me, I need you now, I need You now

My darkness redeemed by Your light, redeemed by Your light”