escaping.

Occasionally I escape… from the fence that surrounds our community. Last week I had one of glorious those days.  A friend organized a small group of ladies to go second handing in the nearby town, and it was wonderful. Not wonderful like some of my fellow Americans might be thinking wonderful. Not wonderful pampering, delicious food or the cutest fashion wonderful. Yet wonderful nonetheless.

I suppose an explanation is warranted to my word choice above. Don’t you worry your pretty little head. No one is holding me against my will, and I am not escaping harm. It’s quite the opposite actually. Let me see if I can make sense of it for you… Our community here exists to further the ministry God has graciously allowed us to partner in. In support of this ministry, department after department after department exists here to allow members to be self-sustaining within the confines of the fence that surrounds our community.  To name just a few I am beyond thankful for… a construction and maintenance department that provide reliable electricity and water and so much more; a store to shop in that provides all the basics and as a bonus caters to many of my American tastes (as much as can be done here in the Land of the Unexpected); a post office and aviation department that keep me in touch with places and people that are far away; a finance department that handles anything and everything related to money; administration offices that help to keep us serving effectively; and an incredible HR office staffed with people that serve us with every day tasks and visas and work permits and everything else needed to allow us to serve in this beautiful country of Papua New Guinea. Then there’s the school that educates our children, an IT department that supplies internet access (and more!), doctors, nurses, dentists and pharmacists to keep us healthy...  the list goes on and on and on. All here serving to further this incredible work. It’s a beautiful thing! But it can be a stifling thing to always be in the same place with the same people. Imagine almost everything needed for normal every day life all within less than a one-mile radius. Then imagine all the people you work with are all the people you shop with and go to church with and see at the doctors office and, and, and… yeah.

Occasionally I escape.

I often attempt escape from other boundaries I feel confined by. The boxes that my culture can frequently attempt to squish me into. You know which ones I mean, right? The Christian box that is an entirely submissive and delicately feminine wife who is always flawlessly put together. The missionary box that is an always culturally appropriate, supernaturally holier than the average churchgoer, who never speaks of her struggles and is kind and compassionate to everyone. The Proverbs 31 mom and wife box that rises early in the morning to sew, cook, clean and plan the perfect birthday party that will stomp out all the other mom-competition on the market.

Don’t get me wrong here, guys. I love my Jesus. I love being a missionary. And I love being a wife and mom… but I am not perfect like the world expects or wants me to be. I don’t do it all right and when the assumption is made that I can or even attempt to try to be perfect than I have been know to revolt.

I revolt and get more tattoos (also they are beautiful and I love beautiful things). I revolt and only wear blue jeans in a skirt-wearing missionary world (also they are comfortable and I love being comfortable). I revolt and wear too much eye makeup (because self-expression is worth the second looks). I revolt and spill my guts on the hard days instead of putting on a happy face and pretending life in missionary land is easy and perfect. Sometimes I even eat cookies for breakfast and lose my temper with my kids. I love Jesus, but I even cuss a little here and there.  To be brutally transparent (sorry Baptist friends and mom and dad), I really enjoy a well-made margarita on occasion as well.

Maybe it’s the middle child in me? Maybe it’s the part of me that desires to be individualistic? Maybe it’s the rebel in me? Maybe it’s just my flesh giving in to the sinner in me?

Maybe it is some of all of that?

Yep, probably so, but also it is my desire to allow God to work in and through my brokenness.  I cannot nor do I desire to hide my brokenness from Him.

And I don’t want to hide it from you either.

“We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.  This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.” 2 Corinthians 4:7 NLT

For me, living within the confines of this community and what the world expects me to look and act like, has me yearning for freedom.

Freedom like my friend’s toddler must have felt swinging high in the air at the playground in only her underwear. No restraints. Nothing between her and the world, just the wind in her hair! Freedom from what people think of me. Freedom from expectations and disappointments. Freedom from a world where we need bars on our windows and locks on our doors. Freedom from a world where isolation and loneliness and broken relationships are a reality. Freedom from financial restraints… Can you imagine?

I suppose that is why I miss the simple things that feel like freedom that this world can offer. Freedom that comes with riding fast down pot-hole-free roads in a car, windows down, hair tangling in the wind, hand out the window and music loud enough to drown out all the sounds of reality around me.

(This is my friend Stephanie, who is on furlough in Texas, and appreciates the freedom she feels riding down the road!)

Freedom that comes with being in a place where no one knows who I am. Freedom to walk alone outside in the dark of night.

I know and daily experience the freedom I have in Christ. Freedom to be who He made me to be. Freedom to follow Him. Freedom in Him from the power of sin and death! But yet I long for more and perhaps these longings for freedom and escape and allowing the world to see me outside of my boxes are instilled by Him? Perhaps they are a precursor to what true freedom will be in heaven?

“I heard a loud shout from the throne saying, ‘Look, God’s home is now among His people! He will live with them, and they will be His people. God Himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.’” Revelation 21:3-4 NLT