counting crows.

I inadvertently and accidentally killed a rooster. With a collar. A rooster collar, mind you.

And wouldn’t you know that got me to thinking about this community living thing we do here? Perhaps an explanation is warranted.

Our friends/ neighbors bought a rooster. They bought the rooster to help build up their chicken flock. (Is that what you call it? A flock?) However with the rooster came crowing… the rather early in the morning crowing. That combined with of the lack of any insulation in our home, our louvered windows and how closely packed into this neighborhood we are together… well, long story short, this new member of the neighborhood and his early in the day crowing woke me up. After a few days of less sleep, I became that guy. I emailed my precious friend, the rooster’s new owner, and told her of my woes. She was very gracious and kind and we then began about a half week or so long communication about how we could work together to keep the rooster sticking around their chicken pen while having me sleep during the early morning hours.

Then Pinterest.

On one of those early mornings I took a gander at Pinterest as I lay in bed counting crows (great band!!!). “How to quiet a rooster’s crow.”  And that was quite unintentionally the beginning of the poor loved rooster’s demise.

Pinterest suggested a collar.

Yep, supposedly you can make a rooster’s crow sound like a burp. A burp. Don’t try this at home folks. I don’t need to go into the nitty gritty details… y’all know what went down. My friend asked if I could still hear his crows and I could - so tighter the collar was made. Until it was too tight.

And then I accidentally and inadvertently killed my friend’s rooster.

Gracious, I imagine you could be thinking I am quite the scattered brain by now.  True, true. I am! And what does an ineffective (or overly effective depending on your perspective *wink) rooster collar have to do with community living anyways?

Let me try to make sense of it all. Community living is hard, yo. (Yes, there are amazing benefits too!!) However, for me many times community living has pressed beyond hard and moved straight into the place of ‘forget thriving - how can I survive mode’. However it was this rooster, not his death - that was a total mishap -  which was my first real ‘partially-successful’ resolved conflict in a good long while. (It could have been all the way successful if he hadn’t have died.) This whole rooster situation got me to thinking about some other things I have learned about community living.

Clear as mud?

I am learning that communication is key. Guys. For reals. Contacting my friend about the crowing was SO uncomfortable. It might have been one of the most awful emails I have ever had to write. On top of that, it was awkward and difficult. I.seriously.completely.wholeheartedly.LOATHE.conflict. Just let me run and hide and avoid it and pretend it isn’t happening – that is my natural and comfortable coping strategy. But unfortunately this conflict had to be gently addressed. I needed to sleep and that was not going to happen without communicating with our friends / neighbors. It was my responsibility. I recall one conversation with my neighbor that I shared face-to-face after the email conversation had begun… I was admitting my horrific embarrassment in confronting her. You wanna know what she told me?? That the only way she would have been mad at me would have been if I hadn’t told her. They didn’t know the rooster was waking me. How could they have?

Communication.

And then, grace. My precious friend extended grace to me. I tried to imagine what contacting a neighbor in another place about her pet could have looked like, and I don’t think it would have ended the same way. Because grace. I received grace from my neighbor and friend. And I extended grace. Imagine how ineffective my communication could have been without grace. Ew. Yuck. No.

Effective communication paired with grace received and grace given. These things make community living work well.

We have been connected with this place – this separate little sliver of reality - for a little more than four years now. We have come and gone. And come back again. Twice. We have watched others come and go and only some return again to work beside us. We have been hurt and we have been blessed. We have hurt others and we have been a blessing to others. We have lived and learned and watched and participated.  We exist in community.

So, here is a short list that has been brewing in my mind about community living since the demise of the rooster. Perhaps it may encourage or prepare someone else for living in community. ‘Cause God doesn’t waste anything, does He? All for His glory!

I am learning that trust is earned. And it takes time. Heaps and heaps of time. Without trust, relationships cannot grow. And without continued trust existing, relationships can fail. Trust cannot be demanded and relationships cannot be forced.  Sigh, but how the waiting can feel like it will never end. The waiting and earning of trust is brutal. I pray I can always remember being brand new to this community. I pray that my vulnerabilities and unsettled feelings will always remain a fresh memory  - that my heart will remain open and raw to those emotions – in order that I might minister to and love others walking through similar realities.

I am learning that none of us have it all together. We don’t have it all to offer. And that even though we fought and keep fighting through hell and high-water to get here and then stay here… we haven’t fully arrived. And we probably never ever will cause we will always be adapting. Learning and relearning. Messing up and getting back up off our butts or faces again to try and press on moving forward. Community living takes humility. Accepting we are not the end all meets all and that we need each other. The best parts of community living come when we humbly recognize the beauty of diversity and the richness it brings to this life. Embracing each other differences - seeing in color rather than right and wrong.

I am learning (from my husband most recently when he spoke about Joshua) that real leaders are rare and chosen by God. A successful and respected leader is one who remains submissive and obedient to God (amongst many other qualities of course). People in community elect leaders because these individuals have earned trust and respect by proving their abilities. Demanding leadership and respect without trust and relationship builds division, dismantles ministry, abuses people and squanders resources. A true leader is not bigger, better or brighter than anyone else. And a true and respected leader will not magnify himself or herself, however God may chose to do so… in order for others to recognize and glorify who God is.

I am learning that opinions offered without invitation most often cause pain and can often bring division. Even opinions offered in the name of ‘help’ or ‘ministry’. Unless invited, opinions are just that. Opinions. Without invitation, opinions often minimize -if not demolish- the experiences of others. In addition, unwelcomed opinions can devalue others and usually do so without the opinion-giver’s knowledge. The heart of the matter is this – if someone needs my help or expertise they will almost always ask.

I am learning to suspend judgment. And I have learned this best by having others silently judge me and then proceed to tell me or someone else who later tells me all about it. Life here in community is lived under a super powered microscope.
Every place you go,
everything you wear,
everything you watch and read and listen to,
everything you purchase,
everything you receive in the mail,
how you parent,
how you friend,
how you marriage,
how you neighbor,
how you drive,
how your children drive,
how you educate,
how you interpret Scripture,
how you worship,
where you worship,
who you worship with…
all of it is seen by everyone. Everyone who chooses to observe.
What works for me here in community – stop observing others. Step away from the super powered microscope. Instead seek God and abandon comparisons. Pricilla Shirer says in best:

“Comparison soothes but it also deceives, making us feel justified with sinful actions. Or it can be disheartening when we feel that others are doing better than us. In either case, its inaccurate and deceiving – which is why the devil loves it when we do it.” -Armor Of God study

I am learning that boundaries are healthy. They protect and guard me from burnout (over committing), from myself (pride), and from others (becoming a commodity). Boundaries also help me remain within God’s will. Saying ‘no’ is more than okay.

I am learning that as much as I have assurance that God brought us here to minister to the incredible people of this country – He has simultaneously brought us here to minister to other missionaries. Shocker I know. (hashtag sarcasm) I am here by the grace of God alone, not because He needs me to accomplish His will in this place. He asked me and from my desire to love and serve Him in obedience – I am here. I am not here to save others. Only God can save them. But He has called me to love them. Even (and sometimes especially) the other missionaries!

And lastly I am learning that I will never stop learning about community living. It’s as complex as it is fascinating. It’s as terrifying as it is fun. It is balance and rebalance. It’s harder than I could have ever imagined and a greater blessing than I ever could have dreamed. It is give and it is take.  (And sometimes, even if on accident, the take may come in the form of a chicken dinner.)

“So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.” Jesus, John 13:34 NLT


**My friend and neighbor writes, “We are still hoping for a happy ending. If things go well, we are expecting baby chickens on Saturday or Sunday.”

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