counting crows.
I inadvertently and accidentally killed a rooster. With a
collar. A rooster collar, mind you.
And wouldn’t you know that got me to thinking about this
community living thing we do here? Perhaps an explanation is warranted.
Our friends/ neighbors bought a rooster. They bought the
rooster to help build up their chicken flock. (Is that what you call it? A
flock?) However with the rooster came crowing… the rather early in the morning crowing.
That combined with of the lack of any insulation in our home, our louvered
windows and how closely packed into this neighborhood we are together… well, long
story short, this new member of the neighborhood and his early in the day crowing
woke me up. After a few days of less sleep, I became that guy. I emailed my
precious friend, the rooster’s new owner, and told her of my woes. She was very
gracious and kind and we then began about a half week or so long communication
about how we could work together to keep the rooster sticking around their
chicken pen while having me sleep during the early morning hours.
Then Pinterest.
On one of those early mornings I took a gander at Pinterest
as I lay in bed counting crows (great band!!!). “How to quiet a rooster’s crow.” And that was quite unintentionally the
beginning of the poor loved rooster’s demise.
Pinterest suggested a collar.
Yep, supposedly you can make a rooster’s crow sound like a
burp. A burp. Don’t try this at home folks. I don’t need to go into the nitty
gritty details… y’all know what went down. My friend asked if I could still
hear his crows and I could - so tighter the collar was made. Until it was too
tight.
And then I accidentally and inadvertently killed my friend’s
rooster.
Gracious, I imagine you could be thinking I am quite the
scattered brain by now. True, true. I
am! And what does an ineffective (or overly effective depending on your
perspective *wink) rooster collar have
to do with community living anyways?
Let me try to make
sense of it all. Community living is hard, yo. (Yes, there are amazing benefits
too!!) However, for me many times community living has pressed beyond hard and
moved straight into the place of ‘forget thriving - how can I survive mode’. However
it was this rooster, not his death - that was a total mishap - which was my first real ‘partially-successful’
resolved conflict in a good long while. (It could have been all the way
successful if he hadn’t have died.) This whole rooster situation got me to
thinking about some other things I have learned about community living.
Clear as mud?
I am learning that
communication is key. Guys. For reals. Contacting my friend about the crowing
was SO uncomfortable. It might have been one of the most awful emails I have
ever had to write. On top of that, it was awkward and difficult. I.seriously.completely.wholeheartedly.LOATHE.conflict.
Just let me run and hide and avoid it and pretend it isn’t happening – that is
my natural and comfortable coping strategy. But unfortunately this conflict had
to be gently addressed. I needed to sleep and that was not going to happen
without communicating with our friends / neighbors. It was my responsibility. I
recall one conversation with my neighbor that I shared face-to-face after the
email conversation had begun… I was admitting my horrific embarrassment in confronting
her. You wanna know what she told me?? That the only way she would have been
mad at me would have been if I hadn’t told her. They didn’t know the rooster
was waking me. How could they have?
Communication.
And then, grace. My
precious friend extended grace to me. I tried to imagine what contacting a
neighbor in another place about her pet could have looked like, and I don’t
think it would have ended the same way. Because grace. I received grace from my
neighbor and friend. And I extended grace. Imagine how ineffective my
communication could have been without grace. Ew. Yuck. No.
Effective
communication paired with grace received and grace given. These things make
community living work well.
We have been
connected with this place – this separate little sliver of reality - for a
little more than four years now. We have come and gone. And come back again.
Twice. We have watched others come and go and only some return again to work
beside us. We have been hurt and we have been blessed. We have hurt others and
we have been a blessing to others. We have lived and learned and watched and
participated. We exist in community.
So, here is a short
list that has been brewing in my mind about community living since the demise
of the rooster. Perhaps it may encourage or prepare someone else for living in
community. ‘Cause God doesn’t waste anything, does He? All for His glory!
I am learning that trust
is earned. And it takes time. Heaps and heaps of time. Without trust,
relationships cannot grow. And without continued trust existing, relationships
can fail. Trust cannot be demanded and relationships cannot be forced. Sigh, but how the waiting can feel like it
will never end. The waiting and earning of trust is brutal. I pray I can always
remember being brand new to this community. I pray that my vulnerabilities and
unsettled feelings will always remain a fresh memory - that my heart will remain open and raw to
those emotions – in order that I might minister to and love others walking
through similar realities.
I am learning that
none of us have it all together. We don’t have it all to offer. And that even
though we fought and keep fighting through hell and high-water to get here and
then stay here… we haven’t fully arrived. And we probably never ever will cause
we will always be adapting. Learning and relearning. Messing up and getting
back up off our butts or faces again to try and press on moving forward.
Community living takes humility. Accepting we are not the end all meets all and
that we need each other. The best parts of community living come when we humbly
recognize the beauty of diversity and the richness it brings to this life.
Embracing each other differences - seeing in color rather than right and wrong.
I am learning (from
my husband most recently when he spoke about Joshua) that real leaders are rare
and chosen by God. A successful and respected leader is one who remains
submissive and obedient to God (amongst many other qualities of course). People
in community elect leaders because these individuals have earned trust and
respect by proving their abilities. Demanding leadership and respect without
trust and relationship builds division, dismantles ministry, abuses people and
squanders resources. A true leader is not bigger, better or brighter than
anyone else. And a true and respected leader will not magnify himself or
herself, however God may chose to do
so… in order for others to recognize and glorify who God is.
I am learning that
opinions offered without invitation most often cause pain and can often bring
division. Even opinions offered in the name of ‘help’ or ‘ministry’. Unless
invited, opinions are just that. Opinions. Without invitation, opinions often
minimize -if not demolish- the experiences of others. In addition, unwelcomed opinions
can devalue others and usually do so without the opinion-giver’s knowledge. The
heart of the matter is this – if someone needs my help or expertise they will
almost always ask.
I am learning to
suspend judgment. And I have learned this best by having others silently judge
me and then proceed to tell me or someone else who later tells me all about it.
Life here in community is lived under a super powered microscope.
Every place you go,
everything you wear,
everything you watch
and read and listen to,
everything you
purchase,
everything you
receive in the mail,
how you parent,
how you friend,
how you marriage,
how you neighbor,
how you drive,
how your children
drive,
how you educate,
how you interpret
Scripture,
how you worship,
where you worship,
who you worship with…
all of it is seen by
everyone. Everyone who chooses to observe.
What works for me
here in community – stop observing others. Step away from the super powered microscope.
Instead seek God and abandon comparisons. Pricilla Shirer says in best:
“Comparison soothes
but it also deceives, making us feel justified with sinful actions. Or it can
be disheartening when we feel that others are doing better than us. In either
case, its inaccurate and deceiving – which is why the devil loves it when we do
it.” -Armor Of God study
I am learning that
boundaries are healthy. They protect and guard me from burnout (over
committing), from myself (pride), and from others (becoming a commodity).
Boundaries also help me remain within God’s will. Saying ‘no’ is more than okay.
I am learning that
as much as I have assurance that God brought us here to minister to the
incredible people of this country – He has simultaneously brought us here to
minister to other missionaries. Shocker I know. (hashtag sarcasm) I am here by
the grace of God alone, not because He needs
me to accomplish His will in this place. He asked me and from my desire to love
and serve Him in obedience – I am here. I am not here to save others. Only God
can save them. But He has called me to love them. Even (and sometimes
especially) the other missionaries!
And lastly I am learning
that I will never stop learning about community living. It’s as complex as it
is fascinating. It’s as terrifying as it is fun. It is balance and rebalance.
It’s harder than I could have ever imagined and a greater blessing than I ever
could have dreamed. It is give and it is take.
(And sometimes, even if on accident, the take may come in the form of a chicken
dinner.)
“So now I am giving
you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should
love each other.” Jesus, John 13:34 NLT
**My friend and
neighbor writes, “We are still hoping for a happy ending. If things go well, we
are expecting baby chickens on Saturday or Sunday.”
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