forgiveness

A while back God started teaching me big about forgiveness. That led me to these many thoughts that I shared with Ukarumpa high schoolers and now with all y'all...

“a willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behavior to one who unjustly injured us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity and even love towards him or her” (Enright)

The Bible calls us to obedience through forgiveness.  But, if we are using the definition above (I realize that it isn't a perfect definition, but felt it was a pretty darn good shot at one at least), how many of us have ever completely forgiven those who have wronged us? And if we are not completely forgiving, then are we even forgiving at all?

Jesus teaches us about forgiveness in Matthew 6:14-15 when he says, “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

So yeah obviously this is a serious deal. I don’t know about y’all but I don’t wanna risk being forgiven by my Heavenly Father because I am holding on to a grudge, bitterness – un-forgiveness.

And then there's this other raw truth: "Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven - if there was anything to forgive - I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan may not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes." 2 Corinthians 2:10-11 NIV

Well, snap. I love the when Paul just calls it like it is. "I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan may not outwit us."

But let’s keep it real here, m’k? Just because its a serious deal, we all know that is isn't simple. The Bible is also very clear that forgiveness is not a one-stop-shop.  In Matthew 18:21-22 when Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive someone, Jesus responded with “seventy times seven.” I would like to think that Jesus was being a bit satirical here… Jesus wasn’t giving an exact number, but rather contradicting what the teachers of the time had always taught to the people – the responsibility to forgive someone three times.  Jesus taught that we should forgive as God forgives us – always forgiving a truly repentant heart, no matter how many times.

Whelp, there goes all the possible freaking slack we wanted to give ourselves. You know what I mean here, right? The thoughts like, I’m, okay. Really, I’m only holding this one little grudge here and that other little bit of un-forgiveness over there. Like, I have totally forgiven all the people who deserve it, so I am good.  

But. Here’s the deal. When we usher out these lame excuses -these lies- we want to try and believe because of the truth of God’s Word, in rushes in the gift of unfathomable grace from God. Unfathomable grace received that we must learn to then turn back around and extend to those who wrong us.

But how? How do we forgive? 

I heard once that the easiest way to define a complicated thing is to tell what it is not. So, that is where I want to start. I want to tell you what I think forgiveness is not in hopes of explaining what it is which may then move on to how we can forgive.

Forgiveness is not easy. It is an intentional choice to deny your own rights. Which is really hard for us humans, by the way. And on top of that… the need to forgive someone most likely accompanies the fact that you have already been mistreated, done wrong, hurt, hated, persecuted, bullied, taken advantage of, judged or injured. I think we can all agree with this point. Forgiveness is not easy.

Forgiveness is not natural. Maybe that is one reason why it is so hard? The natural human response is revenge, am I right? We all need to self-preserve… so it makes sense that the natural knee-jerk response to mistreatment is most often revenge. Forgiveness is not natural.

Forgiveness is also not a one-time event. The verses earlier from Matthew explain it well. To be blunt, we are all sinful selfish beings with a natural inclination bent on revenge. Therefore forgiveness is most often something we have to fight to achieve. And that fight often enough will have to be something we stay in in order to win.

Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is an act of obedience. (Peg Forrest) When someone mistreats you, offends you, abuses you, hurts you… you won’t automatically feel instantaneous forgiveness. You have to choose to forgive. That is why that Bible teaches that forgiveness is an act of obedience.

“be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you” Eph 4:32 NLT

“Forgive others, and you will be forgiven.” Mark 11:37 NLT

Forgiveness is not glossing over or denying the seriousness of offenses against you. Forgiveness is not denial. It isn’t pretending that things didn’t happen or that the consequences of our actions or the actions of others do not or should not exist. 

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. I know we have probably all been taught to forgive and forget. But forgiving does not mean that we have to forget. I know this is hard to balance in our heads… cause bitterness and holding grudges comes from not forgiving. But just trust me here. Forgiveness does not mean you must forget the wrong done. Perhaps in due time and healing, some wrongs can be forgotten. Perhaps. But more likely than not, God will instead orchestrate those wrongs for His glory and our good. Forgiving and forgetting doesn't fit into that build though, does it? You'll more than likely need to remember what God has done through the gunk and that means not forgetting. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, but it doesn't mean staying stuck for forever, dwelling in the anger and hurt. 

Forgiveness does not mean condoning inappropriate or abusive behavior. Forgiveness is not approval. When you forgive, you are not saying that the wrong done was okay. Or that the wrong done was excusable because of this and that and the other. Forgiveness does not mean that you don’t think someone did something wrong. And forgiveness does not mean that you think your offender shouldn’t be punished.

Forgiveness does not make you weak. (Go ahead, read that again.) 

And very importantly, forgiveness does not obligate you to reconcile or release your offender from accountability and resume the same relationship because forgiveness is not trust. The Bible warns us about the deceitful heart of man. “The human heart is the most deceitful of things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?” (Jeremiah 17:9 NLT) The Bible also calls us to be “as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves” (Matthew 10:16 NLT) Proverbs 22:3 says it very clearly. “A prudent man foresees danger and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences.” Being cautious with people who have hurt us does not mean that we are not forgiving. It simply means that we aren’t God and we can’t see people’s hearts. Forgiveness is based on grace. Trust is earned by works. (Peg Forrest)

Well then, what the heck is forgiveness?? And besides the fact that we want to learn to extend forgiveness (often time after time after time) because of how God forgives us…. How does forgiveness benefit us?

Forgiveness brings the forgiver peace of mind and freedom from anger. I was once taught that un-forgiveness is much like an invisible ball and chain that we drag around behind ourselves. Each hurt we hold onto weighs us down and often we are walking around dragging link after link after link of invisible life-scuking misery with us - slinging it into new relationships and on the un-expecting and underserving people and circumstances. Yet, so often we hold a grudge, build bitterness and harbor un-forgiveness because we want our offender to be punished. They have wronged us and they deserve to know it. They deserve revenge and we deserve retribution. But I am here to tell you that it never works. Choosing to not forgive is like slowly building a wall around yourself and all those balls and chains. A tiny, miserable prison that you are constructing - walls without windows. A cramped prison that you build around yourself, all the while you hold the key to escape. Somehow we have believed the lie that by choosing not to forgive we are punishing the offender, when in reality we are only punishing ourselves. Building our own prisons. Dragging around our self-attached balls and chains. 

“Do not nurse hatred in your heart for any of your relatives. Confront people directly so you will not be held guilty for their sin. Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against a fellow Israelite, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.” Leviticus 19:17-18 NLT

The reason that forgiveness works and revenge doesn't is simple. God is our defender.  

“Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, ‘I will take revenge. I will pay them back,’ says the Lord.” Romans 12:19 NLT

God is our defender. And we can trust Him. He is always just. He is always righteous. He sees the unseen. He knows our hearts. He is sovereign over all. 

So why is it so hard to forgive? 

I think there are several reasons...

Have we forgotten what He has done for us? Have we forgotten who He is? 

Perhaps in order to forgive, we need to take our hearts back to the place where we recognize His character “I will take revenge.” (Romans 12:19)  “He is the Rock; His deeds are perfect. Everything He does is just and fair. He is a faithful God who does not wrong; how just and upright He is!” (Deuteronomy 32:4 NLT)?

Perhaps we need to take our hearts back to the place where we reclaim His promise to “I will pay them back”?

Perhaps we need to take ourselves out of the disillusionment that we are in control “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:14 NIV)  “Yours, O Lord, is the greatness, the power, the victory, and the majesty. Everything in the heavens and on earth is yours, O Lord, and this is your kingdom…. Wealth and honor come from you alone, for you rule over everything. Power and might are in your hand” 1 Chronicles 29:11-12 NLT?

Perhaps we need to abandon our pride and remember that we aren’t the reason life exists. To remember that the world does not revolve around us, our needs, our wants: “For everything comes from Him and exists by His power and is intended for His glory” (Romans 11:36 NLT)?

Often enough, it is our resentments that keep us from forgiving. Often we hold on to resentments because letting them go seems even more wrong. Like you are making yourself a target. We manipulate our own minds to think we should hold on to hurts, because we need to cling to those old memories of past hurts to help us maintain boundaries in the future. To protect us from being re-hurt, re-abused, re-manipulated. But when we remember God’s character and realign ourselves with Him, then we can rest in the truth that God is all-knowing. And then it may be easier to choose to forgive instead of making failed attempts to hold onto those hurts to protect us and punish our offender. And that is when, God will free us. He will free us from anger and disgust and the need to get what we think we deserve… and He will usher in peace of mind.

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you.” Isaiah 26:3 NLT

But forgiveness doesn’t stop at peace of mind.

“I will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to your commandments.” Psalm 119:45 NLT

Forgiveness doesn’t stop at freedom from anger.

Forgiveness moves on to empower the forgiver to recognize the pain suffered without letting the pain define, by enabling healing and the ability to move on. When you forgive you are free to move forward without an oozing-on-others-gaping heart wound and that invisible ball and chain. Did you guys hear that? Real, healthy, Biblical forgiveness empowers you. It frees you.

It heals you.

“Yet it was our weakness He carried; it was our sorrows that weighed Him down. He was pierced for our rebellion, cursed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed.” Isaiah 53:4-5

Okay, by now, I know that I have totally won you over. I have sold forgiveness and I have you all convinced. But what the heck? How?? How do we forgive?

First identify, experience and express your feelings. Make a head choice to know your hurt. Label these things as specifically as you can. Who hurt you? When did they hurt you? Where did it happen? (Stuart Rothberg) This is the time to ask yourself hard questions: “has my anger / resentment been unreasonable?” “do I have any participation in this hurt?” In stress and grief and transitions emotions can take big-time precedence over logic and reason. And sometimes we move out of that stress, grief and transition we forget everything except how we have been treated. Dig deep and think back on what made you feel hurt. You must grieve (feel) the hurt or experience before you can forgive.

Next, you need to hate. The raw reality is this: if you have been hurt, you hate. Make a heart choice. It is not wrong to hate; in fact, we are supposed to hate what God hates. (Stuart Rothberg) I know, maybe y’all are a bit thrown off here. The Bible tells us that God is love. If He is love, how can He hate? He hates what is contradictory to His love, contradictory to Himself. The object of God’s hatred is sin and wickedness. And we are created to be like Him. Made in His nature. Therefore we love. And therefore we hate. But be very cautious. When working through forgiveness you must hate the wrong, but not the person who has committed the wrong. It’s that old mantra we have all been taught, “hate the sin, not the sinner”. Make the distinction. Know the difference and direct your feelings where they should go. The Bible is very clear that we are to love our enemies as well as our neighbor.

Third, acknowledge the deceptive feeling of control. Embrace reality. Refusing to forgive provides a feeling of power, but the feeling is deceptive. That feeling of power? It’s often just a feeble attempt to cover your real hurt and vulnerability. So, refuse to be a victim. Cancel the debt. Move on with your life. Allow God to be the justice maker. Revenge will always fail you. The pain you give can never cancel the pain you have received. Never. So get out of the way and let God take control. (Stuart Rothberg) Let go of the fantasies that we can change the past, that we can change others, or even that we are the ones who can change ourselves.

And then in much time and with much effort, you will heal. Forgiveness is both an event and a process. When you give forgiveness to your offender it is an event. Continuing in forgiveness will bring relief from pain – and that is the process. It always takes time. And you will have to keep opening your heart to God to allow Him to heal. (Stuart Rothberg) 

But what if you feel like you can’t forgive? First, ask yourself if you have grieved. And then if you have or are still grieving remember that Christ is at work in you (Philippians 2:13). The Holy Spirit groans on our behalf (Romans 8:26). You are not alone or abandoned (2 Corinthians 4:9). He is our strength and our source (Psalm 118) – connect to Him, to His power. Make a head choice to forgive. This is obedience to God, a decision of will. And then continue to forgive. Give grace to yourself as God changes your heart and ushers in the healing forgiveness will bring.

So that was good, right? Cause this is usually where the forgiveness lesson ends. And I fully admit I would like to stop here. Even as hard as forgiveness is, all the work it takes – I want what I have just shared with you. For me. For all y’all. But that is not where this ends. There is just a tad bit more. And I think it’s the hardest part.

Lets reread that first definition of forgiveness: “a willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behavior to one who unjustly injured us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity and even love towards him or her” (Enright)

Biblical forgiveness does not stop with the willingness to abandon your own rights. Biblical forgiveness charges us to “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who speak badly against you, and pray for those who abuse you.” Luke 6:28

I guess where I am going here is a litmus test. Y’all know those little papers you dip into liquids in science class to tell you if something is an acid or a base? A litmus test is a decisively indicative test. Tells you what something is and by telling you what it is – it tells you what something is not. This verse in Luke is our litmus for forgiveness. It lists clues or qualities of character that model forgiveness.

Do you love your offender? Remember this doesn’t necessarily mean relationship or trust or even reconciliation.  Forgiveness is based on grace. Trust is earned by works. But do you love your enemies?

Do you do good to those who hate you? Or do you act out your pain in effort to inflict pain? Do you trust God to defend you in such a way that you can treat your offender with goodness?

Do you bless those who speak badly against you? To bless is to speak words of goodness, and praise; to hope, wish and ask for something that would benefit. Lets be honest, the last thing I want to do when someone has wronged or mistreated me is to ask God to give them good things. But this is what Jesus teaches us; it’s His training for followers who want to practice righteousness.  (Peg Forrest)

Do you pray for those who abuse you? And by praying for them I don’t mean praying for God to make them or allow them to be miserable.

God calls us to obedience through forgiveness. His ways are good. They are hard, but they are foolproof. Forgiveness is possible and there is hope because of Jesus.

Ezekiel 11:19: “I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart.”

  

Is there a need for you to forgive someone?

Do I believe forgiveness requires something of the other person first?

Has this wrongdoing and resentment become a part of my identity?

What are the pleasures of this anger and resentment?

Is there a part of me that wants to entertain this anger, resentment, un-forgiveness?

Is my withholding forgiveness about my own ego?

Have I believed lies about forgiveness – lies like “forgiveness means I have to forget or excuse the offense against me“, “forgiveness means my offender shouldn’t be punished for what they did to me”, “forgiveness means I have to trust my offender”, “forgiveness makes me weak”…

Un-forgiveness will not solve itself. And whatever God begins in our heart isn’t something that will be complete immediately so the pressure is off for being instantaneously perfect. Just don’t walk away from His leading. Every act of forgiveness begins with a head choice, a surrendering of self will. 

Please choose forgiveness. I promise it is worth it.