awestruck
For the past few years I have been challenged to choose one word that God is speaking to me for each new year.
I wanna set the picture a little bit... 2018 was "interesting".
I can solidly recognize two themes for 2018. First was that God was big at work the first six months stripping things away. (Sometimes He does that.) Many things I had counted as cherished. Cherished and supposedly secure. Relationships I thought would never end. Relationships I thought couldn't possibly change. A position and job I adored. A place of belonging I had not known before. Ideas of who I thought I was and possibilities of why I did things. Concepts I held of who others were.
The last six months of 2018 I dug deep into the aftereffects of the sudden losses from the first half of the year. Things were abruptly gone from my life (transplanting your family half way across the globe every few years will do that... amongst other situations). I intentionally scrambled to learn the how's of all those what's that had changed. I went deep for answers. Into His Word. His promises. His truths. I dug deep into trying to figure out who God created me as. (I fell in love with the Enneagram cause it helped my poor 8w9 self understand it's normal and okay for me not to be introspective without a whole ton of effort.)
Being super intentional to understand myself and the possible intentions of other peoples' actions and reactions was something God woke me up to. Weird at 42? I don't know. I guess either a side effect of the first half of 2018. Or a cumulation of a life of wild transitions. Or a mini midlife crisis? Or just being my 8w9 self. I guess it doesn't matter why I have become so compelled to understand myself and others as much as I just have. God called me deep into it.
I guess I thought I would look back on all that happened to me and around me. But instead God drew my heart further into the fact that community may continue to fail and that no matter what happens I am always called to forgiveness. He opened my eyes even wider to hard truths that vulnerability and authenticity paired with hope and forgiveness and choosing not to take offense will indeed walk us through the sticky muck of life, drawing us to His heart and into a place of seeing Him in others... rather than seeing their ugliness.
Once I processed through all of that I wondered how in the heck was that gonna even be a possibility for me?
How can I seriously be vulnerable when the pain of rejection and loss is so raw?
How can I forgive when the person or situation that has caused offense / hurt / loss isn't even aware? Or cannot be changed / reciprocated?
How can I choose not to be offended when I am so obviously justified?
How can I risk that kind of love when I know I will be disappointed / failed?
How?
He told me to look Up.
All the way Up.
"Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realties of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God's right hand." Colossians 3:1 NLT
For me, there is only one answer to all those how's. The only way through this so-often-gross-life with joy and hope is with eyes "set on the realities of heaven". I am 1000% convinced of it.
The more I try to make sense of this life. The more I try to understand. The more I try to figure circumstances and other people out. The longer I look out at them instead of Up. The longer I look in at me instead of Up... I will not be able to understand, grasp, fathom. Cause the answers are not in this place. The answers to all those how's are only found in Him.
He has called me to look Up. In fact, He has called us all to look Up. But I know the exact moment when He told me to do it.
I was in Texas at the celebration of life service for Rowen Eugene Halferty. Rowen lived for 919 days before he entered into the loving arms of Jesus. His dad, Evan, and mom, Sarah, are precious to our family. At Rowen's celebration of life service we "rocked out" (in Evan's own words) to Glorious Day by Passion:
"Your love is the air that I am breathing
I have a future
My eyes are open
Cause when You called my name
I ran out of that grave"
Several hundred people proclaimed (aka sang/ yelled/ sobbed through) that truth, but it is the image from those moments that is frozen in my mind. A few rows ahead of me, directly in front of the stage filled with gigantic floor to ceiling images of their precious two year old son, Evan and Sarah were there. They were there not defeated and meek. Broken, yes. But still in those moments they were there on their feet. Pouring out their beyond-broken hearts, hands and fists pounding into the air, jumping up and down with faces lifted, praising God, our loving and all sovereign Father.
Rowen's death is the most tragic situation I can imagine experiencing. It is the most difficult loss I have ever witnessed. And yet there stood those ones I love, defiant in their faith. Choosing to look Up.
Looking Up gives perspective. Perspective to see Him and beyond us.
"The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display His craftsmanship. Day after day they continue to speak; night after night they make Him known. They speak without sound or word; their voice is never heard. Yet their message has gone throughout the earth, and their words to all the world." Psalm 19:1-4 NLT
Looking Up gives wisdom. That wisdom enables us to walk through the ick.
"In Him lie hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge" Colossians 2:3 NLT
Looking up gives hope. Hope to see beyond the uncertain now.
"You have been chosen to know Me, believe in Me, and understand that I alone am God. There is no other God - there never has been, and there never will be. I, yes I, am the Lord and there is no other Savior. From eternity to eternity I am God. No one can snatch anyone out of my hand. No one can undo what I have done." Isaiah 43:10-11, 13 NLT
And so, I want 2019 to be about this:
"You are the God who sees me... I have now seen the One who sees me" Genesis 16:13 NIV
This how to loving, forgiving, being authentic and real. This how to community. This how to it all. Looking Up.
But God didn't stop there with me. Looking Up, yes, but His Word reminded me of something more.
"No human eye has ever seen Him, nor ever will." 1 Timothy 5:16 NLT
"But you may not look directly at My face, for no one may see Me and live." Exodus 33:20 NLT
This looking Up is a serious deal. I don't have a buddy or best friend God. Yes, He is near. Yes, He is approachable. Yes, He is to be found. But, dear ones, He is the Creator and Sustainer of all things. He is infinite. All powerful. All knowing. Savior. Mighty God. Eternal. He is righteousness. He is holiness.
"Then I looked again, and I heard the voices of thousands and millions of angels around the throne and of the living being and the elders. And they sang in a mighty chorus: 'Worthy is the Lamb who was slaughtered - to receive power and riches and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and blessing.' And then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and in the sea. They sang: 'Blessing and honor and glory and power belong to the One sitting on the throne and to the Lamb forever and ever.'" Revelation 5:11-13 NLT
I ache for a 2019 where I can continue to be awestruck by who my God is. Aware of who I am because of Who He is. Desperate in need of Him.
Awestruck. That's what God is calling me to. Awakened to seeing Him. Alert to His infinite beauty and greatness. I want to see Jesus in every thread of life.
I wanna set the picture a little bit... 2018 was "interesting".
I can solidly recognize two themes for 2018. First was that God was big at work the first six months stripping things away. (Sometimes He does that.) Many things I had counted as cherished. Cherished and supposedly secure. Relationships I thought would never end. Relationships I thought couldn't possibly change. A position and job I adored. A place of belonging I had not known before. Ideas of who I thought I was and possibilities of why I did things. Concepts I held of who others were.
The last six months of 2018 I dug deep into the aftereffects of the sudden losses from the first half of the year. Things were abruptly gone from my life (transplanting your family half way across the globe every few years will do that... amongst other situations). I intentionally scrambled to learn the how's of all those what's that had changed. I went deep for answers. Into His Word. His promises. His truths. I dug deep into trying to figure out who God created me as. (I fell in love with the Enneagram cause it helped my poor 8w9 self understand it's normal and okay for me not to be introspective without a whole ton of effort.)
Being super intentional to understand myself and the possible intentions of other peoples' actions and reactions was something God woke me up to. Weird at 42? I don't know. I guess either a side effect of the first half of 2018. Or a cumulation of a life of wild transitions. Or a mini midlife crisis? Or just being my 8w9 self. I guess it doesn't matter why I have become so compelled to understand myself and others as much as I just have. God called me deep into it.
I guess I thought I would look back on all that happened to me and around me. But instead God drew my heart further into the fact that community may continue to fail and that no matter what happens I am always called to forgiveness. He opened my eyes even wider to hard truths that vulnerability and authenticity paired with hope and forgiveness and choosing not to take offense will indeed walk us through the sticky muck of life, drawing us to His heart and into a place of seeing Him in others... rather than seeing their ugliness.
Once I processed through all of that I wondered how in the heck was that gonna even be a possibility for me?
How can I seriously be vulnerable when the pain of rejection and loss is so raw?
How can I forgive when the person or situation that has caused offense / hurt / loss isn't even aware? Or cannot be changed / reciprocated?
How can I choose not to be offended when I am so obviously justified?
How can I risk that kind of love when I know I will be disappointed / failed?
How?
He told me to look Up.
All the way Up.
"Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realties of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God's right hand." Colossians 3:1 NLT
For me, there is only one answer to all those how's. The only way through this so-often-gross-life with joy and hope is with eyes "set on the realities of heaven". I am 1000% convinced of it.
The more I try to make sense of this life. The more I try to understand. The more I try to figure circumstances and other people out. The longer I look out at them instead of Up. The longer I look in at me instead of Up... I will not be able to understand, grasp, fathom. Cause the answers are not in this place. The answers to all those how's are only found in Him.
He has called me to look Up. In fact, He has called us all to look Up. But I know the exact moment when He told me to do it.
"Your love is the air that I am breathing
I have a future
My eyes are open
Cause when You called my name
I ran out of that grave"
Several hundred people proclaimed (aka sang/ yelled/ sobbed through) that truth, but it is the image from those moments that is frozen in my mind. A few rows ahead of me, directly in front of the stage filled with gigantic floor to ceiling images of their precious two year old son, Evan and Sarah were there. They were there not defeated and meek. Broken, yes. But still in those moments they were there on their feet. Pouring out their beyond-broken hearts, hands and fists pounding into the air, jumping up and down with faces lifted, praising God, our loving and all sovereign Father.
Rowen's death is the most tragic situation I can imagine experiencing. It is the most difficult loss I have ever witnessed. And yet there stood those ones I love, defiant in their faith. Choosing to look Up.
Looking Up gives perspective. Perspective to see Him and beyond us.
"The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display His craftsmanship. Day after day they continue to speak; night after night they make Him known. They speak without sound or word; their voice is never heard. Yet their message has gone throughout the earth, and their words to all the world." Psalm 19:1-4 NLT
Looking Up gives wisdom. That wisdom enables us to walk through the ick.
"In Him lie hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge" Colossians 2:3 NLT
Looking up gives hope. Hope to see beyond the uncertain now.
"You have been chosen to know Me, believe in Me, and understand that I alone am God. There is no other God - there never has been, and there never will be. I, yes I, am the Lord and there is no other Savior. From eternity to eternity I am God. No one can snatch anyone out of my hand. No one can undo what I have done." Isaiah 43:10-11, 13 NLT
And so, I want 2019 to be about this:
"You are the God who sees me... I have now seen the One who sees me" Genesis 16:13 NIV
This how to loving, forgiving, being authentic and real. This how to community. This how to it all. Looking Up.
But God didn't stop there with me. Looking Up, yes, but His Word reminded me of something more.
"No human eye has ever seen Him, nor ever will." 1 Timothy 5:16 NLT
"But you may not look directly at My face, for no one may see Me and live." Exodus 33:20 NLT
"Then I looked again, and I heard the voices of thousands and millions of angels around the throne and of the living being and the elders. And they sang in a mighty chorus: 'Worthy is the Lamb who was slaughtered - to receive power and riches and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and blessing.' And then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and in the sea. They sang: 'Blessing and honor and glory and power belong to the One sitting on the throne and to the Lamb forever and ever.'" Revelation 5:11-13 NLT
I ache for a 2019 where I can continue to be awestruck by who my God is. Aware of who I am because of Who He is. Desperate in need of Him.
Awestruck. That's what God is calling me to. Awakened to seeing Him. Alert to His infinite beauty and greatness. I want to see Jesus in every thread of life.
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