gratitude learned in sadness

Sometimes, well every month, my emotions suffer massive swings. Don't worry that will most likely be the only time I refer to such things...  yeah, so when the emotional times stretch into week three and week four I realize it is definitely far above and beyond hormonal. I find myself in such a time as this now. I don't know how far into the sadness-mood-swing I am today. But right in the middle of the worst part of it (that would be the now of it), it feels like my entire life since starting partnership development has been what I feel right now. I guess that is what surrender is all about though. Duh.

Tonight I heard the song, Gratitude, by Nicole Nordeman. It seems to me that it was the most perfect description of my heart tonight. These words are exactly what I have learned over the past year and a half. I have learned gratitude. I suppose I always thought gratitude was just being thankful. I was wrong. Gratitude is so much more, and I think that gratitude can only be learned. And learned only from want. Gratitude from seeking God. I believe, from the depth of who I am, that I never could have learned to truly be grateful to God if it wasn't for how this journey has been.

My sadness is different from what "normal" sadness is. It is not a bad sadness. Well, it is not wonderful either. I mean. It is sadness. The difference though I believe is this, it is what I had to live through. And that is a hard one to swallow. Really hard.

God is sovereign and loving even in this sadness. See He has always provided. Not ever - nope not even ONCE - in the way that I thought, but always in a way that is more than I could have asked or imagined. What I didn't know that I needed to learn is exactly what I have learned. He has taught me how to hunger after Him.  

"Oh, the differences that often are between
everything we want and what we really need"

Now maybe that I have learned everything (please take note of my severe sarcasm here) we will be headed to PNG real soon. ;o)

Here are the lyrics just in case you are not able to hear the song... they are just too good not to hear or read:

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . .