hardcore first missionary term-itis

So yeah, it's been too long since I wrote. I suppose there are many decent reasons I could conjure up in my mind as to why it has been so long, but in reality there are only two. Okay, so maybe only one since the second one seems way too lame when I try to write it. 

Life is hard here in the missionary world of The Land of the Unexpected, and the things I am struggling with (aka stuff the Lord is working through in my life) seem too far distant from my old world and the rest of reality to share.

There have been so many times I have felt the urge to write and yet my hesitations have won over every time. Maybe I have had some sort of warped super-missionary mentality getting in my way? Maybe I have been scared what I will write will be a negative witness? Maybe???? 


Until now that is.

I have been praying and asking God to help me work through this. Mostly cause I find it to be evidence of something bigger happening in my life. I have felt as if for months (since arriving in PNG) that I have lost touch with who I am. Why am I struggling with this? Here are a few ideas:

1. Life seems backwards and upside down.
- "Work" is all mushed together with "home" (hostel living)
- Cultures are all mushed together (Ukarumpa living)

2. Ukarumpa is super isolated. (Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have it easier than old-school, hard-core missionaries. But puppy love is never puppy love to the puppy.)
- I have never felt more alone. Which is WAY frustrating cause I have never been more "surrounded" (so to speak) by others that are like-minded (Christ followers, mission-minded, passionate for PNG to be reached and transformed through Bible translation)
*HUMANITY / SINFUL NATURE MOMENT - I miss cute shoes, and pretty things, and I miss feeling "at home" in my house.

I have a hardcore case of "first missionary term-itis".

I am smack dab in the middle of the beginning of learning what perseverance really means. (Yup, it's a long road.) Most days it feels like I am living through an early version of a midlife crisis. Ha!

As I have struggled with this "who am I, really?" issue I have admitted to the Lord (and now to anyone else who will read this) that I have found my identity in things beside Him. My culture. My friends. My job. My home. My shoes. My appearance.

^^That stings.

So to counteract my general confusion about everything in my life I have begun an intense study by James MacDonald called "Always True: God's Promises When Life Is Hard".

Cause, He is my life filter. I can only know me through Him. His Word puts my life in perspective.

I read recently (and have had others attempt to beat this into my head from the start of this wild ride of missions) that coming to the mission field will uncover all your past issues. Let. Me. Tell. You. This. Let me testify!! Yeah, buddy. Nothing is more true. Coming to the mission field WILL uncover all your past issues.

And the past issue I have is this: who am I? (Does my identity's mixed-up-ness come from being an MK or missionary kid??? Another blog post...)

So, I am swallowing my warped missionary pride (that I swore I never had until God made me aware of it recently) along with my fears of scaring the heebie-jeebies outta anyone reading this and invite you to follow my first missionary term-itis journey with the Lord. It'll be crazy, y'all. Crazy good as I take my humanness, fears and frustrations and pass them through my Filter. The Word.