He loves you more.
It's almost three in the morning at this point and here I am...spending some fabulous one-on-one time with my new besty insomnia again. Since arriving back in the States my sleeping patterns have been, well, disheveled. I find myself wanting to nod to sleep in the late morning or late afternoon, but once ten pm or midnight strikes I am ready to stay awake all night and conquer the world (from my comfy couch, mind you). I am not sure how much of this I can attribute to jet lag and what part of this I can attribute it to being in mild-altering-transition? Or better yet maybe the lovely information overload or stimulus I receive from high speed internet, television and all the food and other purchase choices I have thrown in my face everywhere-I-turn-in-America. (Yes, I love this bit of furlough for the most part. But then again, my heart does long for the simplicity and monotony of life in Ukarumpa. The grass is always greener... where there aren't so many dentists and doctors.) Any old way, sleeping during the normal hours of when everyone else is typically sleeping seems to be alluding me.
However, in the last week I have found that my insomnia has escalated above and beyond where it has been previously. Hence this ridiculous early morning dark-thirty post. One small thing (okay, so it was earth shattering and all consuming) has happened in the last week...
My baby girl moved to college.
So. Yeah.
I'm been trying to psycho-analyze myself to figure out where this unbelievable grief is coming from. Here are a few of my ideas:
it's lonely without her
we aren't setting enough dinner plates on the table
I miss her laughter, her excitability and zest for living and her wildly emotional tears
my arms ache to hug her and I need her kisses goodnight
I wonder where she is at almost every waking moment of the day, etc... (I could go on and on and bring you all to tears, but I think you catch my drift)
Above and beyond all of these things my decision and psycho-analysis is this:
I am grieving the end / death of her childhood.
I suffered this same sort of emotional wreck when Jade started kindergarten. (And by emotional wreck I mean. I'm sad and fight back a bunch of tears and I may or may have not cried in the shower. Once. So far.) Kinda silly to look back on it, but I did honestly do this once before. It was real to me then. And its real to me now, but sill somehow this time the situation is a tad bit more real life since the implications from my new reality keep slapping me in the face... cause it really will be lots and losta days before I hug her again and when I do life will have drastically changed for the both of us. I will still ache to see her, but my breath-taking-grief will have smoldered a bit and I will be able to enjoy watching her become who my Jesus intends her to be. All without my in-her-face "help".
And that's okay.
That's exciting. That makes my heart skip a beat. My baby issssss growing up and God is going to blow open her little small world of life from under our thumb - uh, I mean - excellent parental guidance.
She's ready. I know she is. It's time. Gosh, the Lord gave me day in and day out from her conception until August 12, 2014 with her. I am blessed beyond measure to have her as my first born. And I trust my sovereign and loving heavenly Father, her same sovereign and loving heavenly Father, with her new day-in's and day-out's. "You saw me before I was born" Ps 139:16a NLT Cause He's been with her from her conception and will continue to protect and guide and love and lead and hold her as she takes on her new world. Her new world wide wide wide open with opportunity for her to grow in love and grace by His faithful hand. The one He's known about and perfectly ordained for her.
So, my baby girl, my Taylor Marie, I love you. But even more than I can even try to imagine how much I can love you. He loves you more. And it's because of His unfailing love for you and for me that eventually I will abandon my new besty and find sleep again.
"Nothing can ever separate us from God's love" Romans 8:38 NLT (Not even earth-shattering life events like sending your first born to college.)
Soon, maybe it's even happening a little bit already?, I will begin to celebrate the birth of her adulthood rather than grieve the death of her childhood.
"I will comfort them and exchange their sorrow for rejoicing" Jeremiah 31:13 NLT
However, in the last week I have found that my insomnia has escalated above and beyond where it has been previously. Hence this ridiculous early morning dark-thirty post. One small thing (okay, so it was earth shattering and all consuming) has happened in the last week...
My baby girl moved to college.
So. Yeah.
I'm been trying to psycho-analyze myself to figure out where this unbelievable grief is coming from. Here are a few of my ideas:
it's lonely without her
we aren't setting enough dinner plates on the table
I miss her laughter, her excitability and zest for living and her wildly emotional tears
my arms ache to hug her and I need her kisses goodnight
I wonder where she is at almost every waking moment of the day, etc... (I could go on and on and bring you all to tears, but I think you catch my drift)
Above and beyond all of these things my decision and psycho-analysis is this:
I am grieving the end / death of her childhood.
I suffered this same sort of emotional wreck when Jade started kindergarten. (And by emotional wreck I mean. I'm sad and fight back a bunch of tears and I may or may have not cried in the shower. Once. So far.) Kinda silly to look back on it, but I did honestly do this once before. It was real to me then. And its real to me now, but sill somehow this time the situation is a tad bit more real life since the implications from my new reality keep slapping me in the face... cause it really will be lots and losta days before I hug her again and when I do life will have drastically changed for the both of us. I will still ache to see her, but my breath-taking-grief will have smoldered a bit and I will be able to enjoy watching her become who my Jesus intends her to be. All without my in-her-face "help".
And that's okay.
That's exciting. That makes my heart skip a beat. My baby issssss growing up and God is going to blow open her little small world of life from under our thumb - uh, I mean - excellent parental guidance.
She's ready. I know she is. It's time. Gosh, the Lord gave me day in and day out from her conception until August 12, 2014 with her. I am blessed beyond measure to have her as my first born. And I trust my sovereign and loving heavenly Father, her same sovereign and loving heavenly Father, with her new day-in's and day-out's. "You saw me before I was born" Ps 139:16a NLT Cause He's been with her from her conception and will continue to protect and guide and love and lead and hold her as she takes on her new world. Her new world wide wide wide open with opportunity for her to grow in love and grace by His faithful hand. The one He's known about and perfectly ordained for her.
So, my baby girl, my Taylor Marie, I love you. But even more than I can even try to imagine how much I can love you. He loves you more. And it's because of His unfailing love for you and for me that eventually I will abandon my new besty and find sleep again.
"Nothing can ever separate us from God's love" Romans 8:38 NLT (Not even earth-shattering life events like sending your first born to college.)
Soon, maybe it's even happening a little bit already?, I will begin to celebrate the birth of her adulthood rather than grieve the death of her childhood.
"I will comfort them and exchange their sorrow for rejoicing" Jeremiah 31:13 NLT
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