hiding in my skin
Ever felt like you are hiding in your own skin?
You know what I mean? The sort of thing where random people ask you, "How are you?" and you answer with, "I am fine". But we aren't always fine are we?? In my very best opinion we have created a lie that it is easier, less complicated and less messy to put a fake smile on something broken, aching and bleeding inside.
Ever painted on a mask of "ok" or "I'm fine" when you're actually angry, sad, confused, lonely, or scared spit-less?
I have.
Honestly, this was one of my greatest frustrations living in Ukarumpa. Seriously. So many people hurting. On so many levels. But often, more than not, trying to hide it and put on the face of "I'm fine". Keeping it all together. Pretending not to be sad. Homesick. Lonely. Over-worked. Isolated... I know in my depths this isn't just an Ukarumpian issue. It isn't even just a issue for women. (This post is not my hormones speaking.) This lie of "I'm fine" is rampart.
Somehow we have validated ourselves that in our need to be strong, even when our strength is on loan from God, it's okay to pretend we aren't weak. Somehow, as followers of Jesus, we have fallen into the temptation to believe that it is unholy or unrighteous to admit what we are really feeling. That the honest display of our hurt will some how limit God's goodness and faithfulness in our lives and in the lives of others.
But
if God is good...
"For the Lord IS good" Psalm 100:5 NLT
... even when life isn't perfect, why are we trying to hide what He is doing in us, through us and around us? How can we truly and perfectly reflect Him in us if we are attempting to only let what we think are the composed, confident and pretty parts show?
I have quite a few grand ideas of why we do this, but there is one I was superior-ly guilty of living in Ukarumpa. I even stood up before a large part of our missionary community in church on Sunday morning and gave testimony of it. And it freed me, by the way. In case you were wondering. Totally freed me to be more me. The reason I hid behind the lie of "I'm fine" for a very long time was because I felt that others hadn't earned the right to know me, especially those that had hurt me.
Soak that one in a minute, k?
That's my ugly, icky, stench-filled pride on its finest display.
Who am I to make a pathetic attempt at hiding what God is actively doing in my life? Do I think I know better than Him?
"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord. "And my ways are far beyond anything you can imagine." Isaiah 55:8 NLT
Why have we attempted to limit God by hiding behind the lie of "I'm fine"? Why?
"How great is our God! His power is absolute! His understanding is beyond comprehension!" Psalm 147:5 NLT
You know what I mean? The sort of thing where random people ask you, "How are you?" and you answer with, "I am fine". But we aren't always fine are we?? In my very best opinion we have created a lie that it is easier, less complicated and less messy to put a fake smile on something broken, aching and bleeding inside.
Ever painted on a mask of "ok" or "I'm fine" when you're actually angry, sad, confused, lonely, or scared spit-less?
I have.
Honestly, this was one of my greatest frustrations living in Ukarumpa. Seriously. So many people hurting. On so many levels. But often, more than not, trying to hide it and put on the face of "I'm fine". Keeping it all together. Pretending not to be sad. Homesick. Lonely. Over-worked. Isolated... I know in my depths this isn't just an Ukarumpian issue. It isn't even just a issue for women. (This post is not my hormones speaking.) This lie of "I'm fine" is rampart.
Somehow we have validated ourselves that in our need to be strong, even when our strength is on loan from God, it's okay to pretend we aren't weak. Somehow, as followers of Jesus, we have fallen into the temptation to believe that it is unholy or unrighteous to admit what we are really feeling. That the honest display of our hurt will some how limit God's goodness and faithfulness in our lives and in the lives of others.
But
if God is good...
"For the Lord IS good" Psalm 100:5 NLT
... even when life isn't perfect, why are we trying to hide what He is doing in us, through us and around us? How can we truly and perfectly reflect Him in us if we are attempting to only let what we think are the composed, confident and pretty parts show?
I have quite a few grand ideas of why we do this, but there is one I was superior-ly guilty of living in Ukarumpa. I even stood up before a large part of our missionary community in church on Sunday morning and gave testimony of it. And it freed me, by the way. In case you were wondering. Totally freed me to be more me. The reason I hid behind the lie of "I'm fine" for a very long time was because I felt that others hadn't earned the right to know me, especially those that had hurt me.
Soak that one in a minute, k?
That's my ugly, icky, stench-filled pride on its finest display.
Who am I to make a pathetic attempt at hiding what God is actively doing in my life? Do I think I know better than Him?
"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord. "And my ways are far beyond anything you can imagine." Isaiah 55:8 NLT
Why have we attempted to limit God by hiding behind the lie of "I'm fine"? Why?
"How great is our God! His power is absolute! His understanding is beyond comprehension!" Psalm 147:5 NLT
Foolish heart looks like we are here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?
But You see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause You see the real me
Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But You love me even now
...
Cause You see the real me
Wonderful, beautiful is what You see
...
I just wanna be me
...
And You love me just as I am
The Real Me by Natalie Grant
"You are the God who sees me." Genesis 16:13 NLT
What does He see?
"You are beautiful, my darling." Song of Songs 6:4 NLT
Could it be that in our selfish pride and attempted masquerade of "I'm fine" we are hiding from each other the real us? We cannot hide from God. Praise the Lord! But what if that beautiful you, the you He sees, the real you, the one behind the mask painted on to look good or keep people at a safe distance, what if that is the you He wants to use to point others to Him? The real you to speak truth and love and grace and healing into others? The real you to bring unity instead of the brokenness of relationships?
What if we stop hiding in our skin? What if instead we allow the real me, the me He sees, to be rejoiced over with gladness, quieted with His love, and rejoiced over with His singing (Zephaniah 3:17)?
And what if we let others see it happen?
And what if we let others see it happen?
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