embrace my uglies
We have crossed over. Yep, we have crossed over the half way furlough mark. Actually we did that quite a ways back I suppose... But lately we reallllllllllllllllllllly crossed over. Like we did it in our heads and hearts. Not just on paper. We have begun to seriously look forward into what the remainder of this year and our second term in Papua New Guinea has potential for.
We have the beginnings of all the stuff accumulating for our sea freight shipment. We have numerous doctor appointments scheduled, and many more still to schedule. We have begun the paper worknightmare process for my work permit and our visas. And, oops, eventually passport renewals (yep, yep something to add to my to-do list!). All this is just evidence of what is happening IN us. Even the red-headed and the littlest one are anticipating life on the other side of the globe again.
Our hearts are excited.
Who woulda thunk it?
Today I praise God that we have crossed over from the tired and burnt out side of this furlough. We are more rested instead of dead-on-our-feet. Many of the unknowns of much of this year have been answered. The girls are settled in their schools and excelling. And believe it or not, we have even begun to anticipate the actual act of traveling internationally again instead of dreading even the fleeting thought of a plane. Shocking, I know, considering our history of international travel!
We are moving forward with anticipation. Feeling hopeful.
A steep comparison to what we were experiencing a few years ago when we were first headed to PNG. Gracious me... to look back on that now. If only I had known what those two years would hold?
I suppose there are reasons why my heart isn't as excited this time. I mean, I am leaving two babies behind. But there are other reasons too! I know what life "looks" like in Ukarumpa. I know it isn't perfect. I know there will be moments of "how can I move forward when homesickness for family and friends strikes?" at its worst. I do not have unrealistic expectations for ministry. Whatever God asks I will pray for the strength to move forward in obedience. I have a glimpse of what it means to live in the Land of the Unexpected. A glimpse of what life is like inthe fishbowl Ukarumpa. I know community living has the potential for beautiful benefits along with the deep struggles and hurts that will be experienced. And I know to hold ALL of what I think I might know - loosely. I hold it all so loosely, all my expectations and experiences from our first term, that they are almost slipping through the grates of my fumbled thoughts.
A little more than a year ago we were at the most broken place in our lives and though we were anxious to support the work of Bible translation we believed in our hearts that we had the complete assurance of mind that God surely couldn't and wouldn't ask us to be doing ministry in Ukarumpa. Like, we were willing pursue obedience in ministry... just in another location.
Funny thing is, that wasn't His plan or will for us. We were at that point in time too blinded by our circumstances to believe in the strength and renewal by the Holy Spirit to pursue His will for our lives.
(I don't think I wrote much about what we were living through when we were living through it. Maybe one day I will, but I doubt it. I have written vaguely about healing since then. I think that is where my hopelessly optimistic mind would like to stay for now at least. Healing. It's a miraculous thing to experience healing from God.)
Blah, blah, blah. To draw this part to a close - life was hard, but God was there in it with us. And He is good and His will was made true in our lives.
"He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds." Psalm 147:3 NLT
Maybe this gives you a glimpse of the near shock that I am feeling now. Shock that I want to return to a place where so much ugly happened. (No, no, no - of course it wasn't all ugly!!!) Shock that I can anticipate going to a place where Taylor and Tia will not be. Shocked that what could have been bitterness inside of me is instead joy with glad anticipation.
"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5 NLT
See what I mean by crossing over? It's a big deal.
I am in awe of God at work in my life. We have lived through a part of the night and have seen a glimpse of the joy that is coming with the morning light. #hope
My fear in this joy is that I might forget.
So I pray about it and I talk about it and I write about it... But I still fear while praising God for miraculously healing my hurts that I will have a tendency to re-set those silly expectations. That I might in excitement for the future misplace my faith with unbridled hope in a place, in a ministry, in a work rather than in my God... Because if that is the case I believe that when failures hit I will be crushed into smithereens again.
I want to embrace my uglies as the gift they are from God. How will I allow what my good, loving, faithful, merciful and sovereign God has allowed to shape me - for what is coming next? How will I glorify God with the story He has painstakingly written for my life? How will I have hope in Him rather than circumstances? How will I discern what is happening around me from how I will allow circumstances to work through me? How have I seen Him? How will I see Him in what happens next?
We have the beginnings of all the stuff accumulating for our sea freight shipment. We have numerous doctor appointments scheduled, and many more still to schedule. We have begun the paper work
Our hearts are excited.
Who woulda thunk it?
Today I praise God that we have crossed over from the tired and burnt out side of this furlough. We are more rested instead of dead-on-our-feet. Many of the unknowns of much of this year have been answered. The girls are settled in their schools and excelling. And believe it or not, we have even begun to anticipate the actual act of traveling internationally again instead of dreading even the fleeting thought of a plane. Shocking, I know, considering our history of international travel!
We are moving forward with anticipation. Feeling hopeful.
A steep comparison to what we were experiencing a few years ago when we were first headed to PNG. Gracious me... to look back on that now. If only I had known what those two years would hold?
I suppose there are reasons why my heart isn't as excited this time. I mean, I am leaving two babies behind. But there are other reasons too! I know what life "looks" like in Ukarumpa. I know it isn't perfect. I know there will be moments of "how can I move forward when homesickness for family and friends strikes?" at its worst. I do not have unrealistic expectations for ministry. Whatever God asks I will pray for the strength to move forward in obedience. I have a glimpse of what it means to live in the Land of the Unexpected. A glimpse of what life is like in
A little more than a year ago we were at the most broken place in our lives and though we were anxious to support the work of Bible translation we believed in our hearts that we had the complete assurance of mind that God surely couldn't and wouldn't ask us to be doing ministry in Ukarumpa. Like, we were willing pursue obedience in ministry... just in another location.
Funny thing is, that wasn't His plan or will for us. We were at that point in time too blinded by our circumstances to believe in the strength and renewal by the Holy Spirit to pursue His will for our lives.
(I don't think I wrote much about what we were living through when we were living through it. Maybe one day I will, but I doubt it. I have written vaguely about healing since then. I think that is where my hopelessly optimistic mind would like to stay for now at least. Healing. It's a miraculous thing to experience healing from God.)
Blah, blah, blah. To draw this part to a close - life was hard, but God was there in it with us. And He is good and His will was made true in our lives.
"He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds." Psalm 147:3 NLT
Maybe this gives you a glimpse of the near shock that I am feeling now. Shock that I want to return to a place where so much ugly happened. (No, no, no - of course it wasn't all ugly!!!) Shock that I can anticipate going to a place where Taylor and Tia will not be. Shocked that what could have been bitterness inside of me is instead joy with glad anticipation.
"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5 NLT
See what I mean by crossing over? It's a big deal.
I am in awe of God at work in my life. We have lived through a part of the night and have seen a glimpse of the joy that is coming with the morning light. #hope
My fear in this joy is that I might forget.
So I pray about it and I talk about it and I write about it... But I still fear while praising God for miraculously healing my hurts that I will have a tendency to re-set those silly expectations. That I might in excitement for the future misplace my faith with unbridled hope in a place, in a ministry, in a work rather than in my God... Because if that is the case I believe that when failures hit I will be crushed into smithereens again.
I want to embrace my uglies as the gift they are from God. How will I allow what my good, loving, faithful, merciful and sovereign God has allowed to shape me - for what is coming next? How will I glorify God with the story He has painstakingly written for my life? How will I have hope in Him rather than circumstances? How will I discern what is happening around me from how I will allow circumstances to work through me? How have I seen Him? How will I see Him in what happens next?
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