filtered: I cry alone

Ever hid in your shower so that you could have a good cry? It's my favorite place to cry in America. (There is never enough hot water to have a good cry in the shower in Ukarumpa. For real.)

Ministry is a lonely place. Yep.

Ministry is lonely because sometimes people can think too highly of you and they end up not really knowing the real you. Or because they think too highly of you, they do not allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to build a meaningful relationship with you. (Just so y'all know I am not anything to think highly of. Like seriously don't do it. Don't even go there.)

Ministry is lonely because sometimes it builds lopsided relationships. Relationships that are more focused on me or our work.

Ministry is lonely because we live a tee-totally different way of life than the majority of society. And difference, if allowed, can bring great distance.

Our ministry brings actual physical distance as well. When you move away from where people are living life and don't return for years on end and then you pop back in for a few months, or maybe a year if you are lucky, and think you can always pick up exactly where you left off... think again. I have changed and the people that I love have changed. Distance from places, experiences, customs, traditions, and people. People that make your life... well, yours. When they are gone or you are gone from them, giant holes are ripped into your heart. (Holes in your heart hurt. Just in case you were curious.) Holes that sometimes are never able to be repaired, because time has changed the shape and size of the wound or the wounded. Sometimes that distance is too much to overcome. And as a result you can feel the loneliest in the most crowded room.

Ministry is lonely because when you share your deep-seeded-passion with others and they don't understand it... well it can lead to a supreme disconnect. Let me be realllllllllllllllllllly honest here, m'kay? Ministry is lonely because when you share your deep-seeded-passion and others do understand it and choose not to share in it with you in some way, shape or form... well it separates you from them. Relationships need common ground.

I have known great loneliness in our ministry. I know great loneliness now. (Maybe you do too?)

Every time God gives me something I don't like (and this extroverted girl doesn't like being lonely!) I filter my circumstances through His Word. I ask Him what it is I am supposed to be learning in it. 

'Cause y'all He loves me so much.

"This is real love - not that we loved God, but that He loved us" 1 John 4:10 NLT

"The Lord is filled with... unfailing love." Psalm 103:8 NLT

And He is good.

"He is good! His faithful love endures forever." Psalm 107:1 NLT

"The Lord is good" Nahum 1:7 NLT

And He has an agenda.

"the Lord's purpose will prevail" Proverbs 19:21 NLT

"I know the plans I have for you" Jeremiah 29:11

"Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish." Isaiah 46:10 NLT

Because He loves me. Because He is good. Because He has a plan, I have to make sense of my current state of loneliness.

There is a beautiful part of my loneliness that I praise God for... In the loneliness of ministry. In the physical separation from loved ones... The loneliness I know all too well... In my loneliest is where I lean the hardest into Him. And while, I might be able to hide my tears by saving them to cry them out in the shower, nothing is hidden from Him.

"I can never get away from Your presence... even in darkness I cannot hide from You." Psalm 139:7, 12 NLT

"Nothing in all creation is hidden from God." Hebrews 4:13 NLT

No tear is wasted.

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle." Psalm 56:8 NLT

My God is personal. He wants me. Loves me. Desires me. Yearns for me. He knows me. He understands me. He meets me in my pain. Heals me. Restores me. Redeems me. Nothing is wasted. Everything is for His glory. He never leaves me.

"Can anyone hide from Me in a secret place? Am I not everywhere in all the heavens and earth?" Jeremiah 23:24 NLT

And because He never leaves me I do not cry alone.