my life message

While here in training at JAARS we were asked to prepare our life message - the message of what God has done through your life. I had to think pretty hard about what my life story was… something CONSISTENT that God has been working on me throughout my entire life. Dang! Especially since my testimony is typically “boring”. I was saved at age six… lah lah lah… So this assignment seemed quite difficult at first. And then on Wednesday afternoon it smacked me upside the head during the MK (missionary kid) session with Bret (JAARS youth pastor). Bret flashed a PowerPoint slide across the screen and that is when my life message theme hit me in my face. 

Identity Loss

 

I was born to Dennis and Patti Garretson in the summer of 1976. My first label was daughter. (By the way nothing in particular is wrong with any one of these labels! The problem I still struggle with lays much deeper inside my heart.) My parents are missionaries and I grew up looking for my place in the midst of all the stuff that life threw at me. Transitions, cross-cultural living, world views… sound familiar?! From the very earliest time in my life I can remember only wanting to be different. For example - If our entire family was walking through a double set of doors to enter a building – the other four would go that way – and I would go my own way – through the other set of doors.

My second label was sister. Again a good thing, but in my world it seemed a challenge. If my older sister was gonna excel at playing the piano then I wanted NOTHING to do with it. If she excelled at reading… well then reading was boring. I was determined to be different. I was seeking my individuality.

My third label was friend.  I can distinctly remember the frustration I felt as the oldest kid in Ambon, Indonesia. Many of the other and younger missionary kids copied my work… and the frustration and aggravation that I felt having others trying to be the same as me is burned into my memory.

The fourth label in my struggle to be different was during my high school years. I attended Hillcrest International School in what is now called West Papua, Indonesia. This picture is my entire graduating class (it kinda ruins me telling you that I was third in my class!). I believe it was during this time period in my life that I began to see who Christ intended me to be… but yet I still wanted to be me.

My fourth label is as an artist. From elementary school on I have loved art. Pencil sketching, jewelry making, oil painting, oil pastels… you name it. I could create it, and be different from everyone else. My art has taken the form of tattoos as an adult. What I find to be beautiful also enables me to be permanently different from every else everywhere.

The fifth label I give to myself is wife. Marty and I were married in 1995 when I was 18 years old… even the man that I chose for my life partner was someone completely different than anyone would have imagined for me. Marty and I met in September of 1994 and I instantly was charmed by his “bad boy” image.

Label number six is the label of mother. Again, a fabulous label. An honor. I mean, really I do have the greatest children on planet earth. Taylor, Tia, Miriam and Jade. I suppose that I never really understood how being a mother made me different from all the other moms UNTIL Jade started kindergarten… then I had the greatest identity loss and challenge of my entire life. All of the sudden who I was – mom to the four greatest children ever born (who I had been for my entire adult life!) – was gone for six and a half hours during the day. There was nothing that I could have done to prepare for what I experienced. (Except have another baby and THAT wasn’t happening!!) 

Label number seven is writer. When I write the words are mine… they allow me full and clear expression that no one else can own. My writing enables me to be me. It’s a form of art that makes me different.

Label number eight is missionary. This is the label that I struggled with for so many years before Marty and I responded to His call on our lives to serve Him in missions… and the reason why? Maybe because I didn’t choose this label? This label – the missionary label - makes me similar. I grew up on the mission field. And my greatest fear of serving on the mission field is blending in. Being average.

Even during the application stage with Wycliffe I struggled with my identity. Our position within the organization was based on his skills… I was just sorta “there”. What was my identity? In fact,  I remember one very distinct “aha” moment during the application process. I realized that the only thing that I have ever allowed to get in my way of serving God is - me. When I try to do things my way and my way clashes with His purpose… I get in the way. 

My greatest weakness to try to be different and the constant struggle throughout my life to do things my way also highlights my most favorite attribute of who God is. God is available. His availability and the intimacy of our relationship is what I treasure most in my daily walk with God. I can be the me who He created me to be… for His glory.

I still struggle with the label of being different. I don’t want to blend in. I am most fearful (as shallow and stereo typing as this may seem) of losing my individuality and turning into the dull and sandal and sock wearing missionary wife. But Praise God for the Truth in His Word  that “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Ps 139:14) and His gentle and ever present presence through the Holy Spirit that allow me to still be me while reflecting His image. This is my eternal label. My true identity lies in Christ.