filtered: God isn't for me
I don't want to write this. I am feeling selfish and needy and would rather keep this struggle to myself. I am tired from being overly transparent. Sick of everyone knowing everything about every aspect of our lives. I am tired of feeling like all I do is state the negative. I want to inspire hope, but how can I when all I do is whine? I fear people will see me as negative and grasping for attention and pity. I am worn down. Beat up. Stressed.
Tired. Nope scratch that... exhausted. Exhausted from life.
But God won't let me hold this one in. So here is what I don't want you to know:
I don't feel like God is for me.
'Course what I feel is not my reality. And that, my friend, is why I post.
I've gotta combat my emotions with the Truth. (Have you read my other filtered posts? Check out my archived posts from last June and August.)
I imagine from the outside some people glance at our life and feel envious of certain aspects. Okay, so I don't imagine... people have told us these things. "You are missionaries - that's so exciting!" "You always get to travel!" "I just couldn't do what you do!!" (Neither can I by the way...) Blah. Blah. Blah. I told Marty last week if we set our house on fire and posted it to Facebook someone might be jealous. I HATE the imaginary pedestal the American church often tries to place us on as missionaries.
Sigh. We are exactly like everyone else. Just living life.. Often merely trudging through the muckiest of it all. Simply seeking after the life He has willed for us.
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you" John 15:15 NIV
I am the world's worstest missionary. Seriously, I suck at this life. I am simply a sinner saved by grace. I struggle daily. Sometimes it is hard for me to pray. *GASP* Sometimes I would rather play Candy Crush and watch nonsense romantic comedies than read or dig into the Word. I overindulge when it comes to chocolate, and I don't enjoy exercise. Even though I know at my core what Christ has done for me I still often struggle to extend grace and mercy to stupid people (see what I mean... world's worstest missionary). I lose my temper. I talk too much. I don't keep a perfectly clean house, and even with the ease of a dryer while on furlough I still don't enjoy doing laundry.
I am not perfect.
I do not have a closer connection with God. I am nothing or no one extra special in comparison to anyone else throughout the entire span of all time. I am just me. Trying to be obedient. Struggling and failing. Getting back up again. And sometimes hiding inside over the weekend just to try and recoup.
Boy, I just reread that... that was quite the rant!! Go, Sara. *smirk*
I want to believe there is beauty here
Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I want to believe there is meaning here
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?
Oh, I need you.
God I need you now.
Plumb, Need You Now
Today everything just feels like too much. I need God to show up and fix some major stuff. I need Him now. On so many levels. I pray. I cry out to God, and yet a particularly difficult situation is getting worse. We are waiting on God to mend this problem. We are waiting on God to grow our partnership team. The one that at this point to the best of our knowledge is still shrinking. We are waiting. Worn and weary. We feel like we are battling all that life is chunking at us. There isn't an easy to fix to any of this. God is the only one who will take it and make something out of it. He is the only one who can fix it. Make the sticky and complicated issue better. Grow our partnership team.
It's all beyond our control and because God isn't working things out on my timeline my tendency is to feel that He isn't for me. It's stupid. Immature. Untrue. But it's still where I am emotionally and spiritually today.
Ugh.
But I just can't stay here. It's too ugly. All life consuming. Stifling.
The only way to pull me up and out of this pathetically emotional downward spiral today is to combat it with Ultimate Truth. Filter it through the Word.
I feel like God isn't for me, because I don't see my prayers answered:
"No human wisdom or understanding or plan can stand against the Lord.
The horse is prepared for the day of battle, but the victory belongs to the Lord." Proverbs 21:30-31 NLT
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9 NIV
Okay, so His ways are higher. He knows what He is doing. I can trust Him. He has proven Himself faithful time and time again. But since I am not seeing my prayers answered the way I am praying than obviously I am praying the wrong thing? I should give up?
"So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up." Galatians 6:9 NLT
"Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart." 2 Corinthians 4:1 ESV
I still feel like God isn't for me because I haven't seen victory... or have I?
"You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world." 1 John 4:4 NLT
"If God is for us, who can ever be against us?" Romans 8:31 NLT
Life doesn't happen the way I plan it. And today for this reason I choose to praise Him. He sees far above and beyond and into the infinite future to carry out His best and loving will for my life. His ways are higher.
He promises a blessing from my trials. I just have to receive His strength and not give up.
God is for me. He has given me victory in life beyond what I can see and feel at this exact moment. And He has given me promised victory over death.
"Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? No, DESPITE all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." Romans 8:35, 37 NLT
God is for me. He fights for us. The God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.
"God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need Him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom, courageous in sea storm and earthquake, before the rush and roar of oceans, the tremors that shift mountains.
Jacob-wrestling God fights for us, God-of-Angel-Armies protects us." Psalm 46:1-3 MSG
Tired. Nope scratch that... exhausted. Exhausted from life.
But God won't let me hold this one in. So here is what I don't want you to know:
I don't feel like God is for me.
'Course what I feel is not my reality. And that, my friend, is why I post.
I've gotta combat my emotions with the Truth. (Have you read my other filtered posts? Check out my archived posts from last June and August.)
I imagine from the outside some people glance at our life and feel envious of certain aspects. Okay, so I don't imagine... people have told us these things. "You are missionaries - that's so exciting!" "You always get to travel!" "I just couldn't do what you do!!" (Neither can I by the way...) Blah. Blah. Blah. I told Marty last week if we set our house on fire and posted it to Facebook someone might be jealous. I HATE the imaginary pedestal the American church often tries to place us on as missionaries.
Sigh. We are exactly like everyone else. Just living life.. Often merely trudging through the muckiest of it all. Simply seeking after the life He has willed for us.
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you" John 15:15 NIV
I am the world's worstest missionary. Seriously, I suck at this life. I am simply a sinner saved by grace. I struggle daily. Sometimes it is hard for me to pray. *GASP* Sometimes I would rather play Candy Crush and watch nonsense romantic comedies than read or dig into the Word. I overindulge when it comes to chocolate, and I don't enjoy exercise. Even though I know at my core what Christ has done for me I still often struggle to extend grace and mercy to stupid people (see what I mean... world's worstest missionary). I lose my temper. I talk too much. I don't keep a perfectly clean house, and even with the ease of a dryer while on furlough I still don't enjoy doing laundry.
I am not perfect.
I do not have a closer connection with God. I am nothing or no one extra special in comparison to anyone else throughout the entire span of all time. I am just me. Trying to be obedient. Struggling and failing. Getting back up again. And sometimes hiding inside over the weekend just to try and recoup.
Boy, I just reread that... that was quite the rant!! Go, Sara. *smirk*
I want to believe there is beauty here
Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I want to believe there is meaning here
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?
Oh, I need you.
God I need you now.
Plumb, Need You Now
Today everything just feels like too much. I need God to show up and fix some major stuff. I need Him now. On so many levels. I pray. I cry out to God, and yet a particularly difficult situation is getting worse. We are waiting on God to mend this problem. We are waiting on God to grow our partnership team. The one that at this point to the best of our knowledge is still shrinking. We are waiting. Worn and weary. We feel like we are battling all that life is chunking at us. There isn't an easy to fix to any of this. God is the only one who will take it and make something out of it. He is the only one who can fix it. Make the sticky and complicated issue better. Grow our partnership team.
It's all beyond our control and because God isn't working things out on my timeline my tendency is to feel that He isn't for me. It's stupid. Immature. Untrue. But it's still where I am emotionally and spiritually today.
Ugh.
But I just can't stay here. It's too ugly. All life consuming. Stifling.
The only way to pull me up and out of this pathetically emotional downward spiral today is to combat it with Ultimate Truth. Filter it through the Word.
I feel like God isn't for me, because I don't see my prayers answered:
"No human wisdom or understanding or plan can stand against the Lord.
The horse is prepared for the day of battle, but the victory belongs to the Lord." Proverbs 21:30-31 NLT
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9 NIV
Okay, so His ways are higher. He knows what He is doing. I can trust Him. He has proven Himself faithful time and time again. But since I am not seeing my prayers answered the way I am praying than obviously I am praying the wrong thing? I should give up?
"So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up." Galatians 6:9 NLT
"Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart." 2 Corinthians 4:1 ESV
I still feel like God isn't for me because I haven't seen victory... or have I?
"You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world." 1 John 4:4 NLT
"If God is for us, who can ever be against us?" Romans 8:31 NLT
Life doesn't happen the way I plan it. And today for this reason I choose to praise Him. He sees far above and beyond and into the infinite future to carry out His best and loving will for my life. His ways are higher.
He promises a blessing from my trials. I just have to receive His strength and not give up.
God is for me. He has given me victory in life beyond what I can see and feel at this exact moment. And He has given me promised victory over death.
"Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? No, DESPITE all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." Romans 8:35, 37 NLT
God is for me. He fights for us. The God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.
"God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need Him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom, courageous in sea storm and earthquake, before the rush and roar of oceans, the tremors that shift mountains.
Jacob-wrestling God fights for us, God-of-Angel-Armies protects us." Psalm 46:1-3 MSG
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