start where you are.

I have a problem. A serious issue. Well, actually, I have oodles of them. However, one of them is staring me in the face again today. The type of staring that makes you turn your head and try to peek back and see if who is doing the staring is still intently there. Still intently staring. I often imagine pictures in my mind. Somehow it seems these images help me process what's in my head. I have imagined my problem, my issue, staring at me. Holding me captive while I try to look away. There. Looking without looking away. Intense. So intense I turn my head and try not to peek to see if it's still there. But it is.

Yep. Just like that. (In case you can't read the words, the dog's sign says, "I sit and stare at people blankly, making them extremely uncomfortable".)

Here's my problem that keeps staring at me, making me extremely uncomfortable: because I am forced by my missionary life style to spend a fair bit of time preparing for what is coming next I tend to want to spend too much time in my thoughts beyond the now. And that isn't what the Lord wants from me.

"How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog - it's here a little while, and then it's gone." James 4:14 NLT

I have been battling this problem very intentionally this month with an attitude of gratitude. In order to celebrate Thanksgiving every day this month at the end of my day I have been listing the God-given things from my day. Things I am grateful for. (FYI, these lists often include coffee and chocolate.) I am purposefully looking for the small and large things, even often stretching beyond the good and glimpsing into the bad things, that my abundant life is full of. It helps me be in the now. Helps my thoughts stay in the here.

"This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24 NLT

But my thoughts are still wandering to the next. To the what if's. 

When they linger a little too long where they don't belong I praise the Lord for His gentle Holy Spirit that nourishes me. Always pursuing me. Drawing me back to Himself. And for His eternal Word that plucks me up and embraces my wandering thoughts. Gently, ever so gently. Clearly. Perfect clear.

"So don't worry about tomorrow" Matthew 6:34 NLT

Taylor went back to school today. She will be back in a week. Contrary to what you may think, I am not too sad. She has finals this week and she needs to be there. (She even left dirty laundry at home because she isn't staying gone long. Yay!) But her leaving takes my thoughts captive into the future again. Beyond the now.

But then so does the rest of my life... Everywhere I turn. Every person I talk to. Every conversation I seem to have... all focus on what is happening next. 

"When are you going back to PNG?" << That's the million dollar question.

We do have a plan for our future. One we have learned to hold very loosely to. And have what seems like -endlessly- prayed over. If the Lord wills, we will return to Papua New Guinea next July. Obviously we are invested there... we bought a house there! I left almost all my personal belongings there (in a shed). There are people there my arms ache to hold. Work there that my passion-filled heart is nearly bursting at the seams to be a part of again.  

"We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer." Proverbs 16:1 NLT

All that is good. In my very best opinion I believe having a plan for the future is great. Planning ahead and praying through choices and decisions. A vision for your life. Living intentional. Yes, yes, yes. But that can't be it. I cannot only live in what is coming. I am passionate about what is to come, but I must be passionate about where I am now. 

Maybe I am wrong? Maybe I am the only one who feels this way? But isn't it true that often enough in our attempt to live purpose filled lives that we feel frustration in the waiting for what is to come? In an attempt to live a life with a vision we are tempted to always look to what hasn't happened yet? And this isn't only a missionary mind set that I have fallen into. I know how most Americans do this. "When I have my dream job, I will..." "When I buy my dream house, I will..." "When I have this thing or this accomplishment, I will..." or WHATEVER... when, when, when... what about the now?! 

What about the now?

I am preaching to myself... when I only live in the what's next the joy of where I am is stolen. Yanked up from under my own two feet. Gone. Ripped off like a piece of tape peeling away the paint from the wall when it comes free. Jagged and injured so intricately that the pieces - the peace - is difficult to restore.

"what lies ahead in your journey is not nearly as critical as where you are right now. Wherever you are now is where you are meant to serve now... your greatest impact will be done here - in the ordinary rhythms of your daily living." Priscilla Shirer 

I read this this week and knew it was too good not to share. After I read it I jotted down this prayer,

"Once again You have tied our hands and bound our feet. We are stuck, but You, Yahweh, placed us here. Lord, give me strength to remain faithful where I am. Here. Today. Now. When my heart is aching for what lies ahead. I trust You. And I ask You for Your perfect peace to hold me still here in the waiting. Cause honestly I feel like flailing. Keep my mind from throwing the temper tantrum in the waiting that You know it fights. I'm tired, yet I still battle. Calm my heart. Please calm me. You have put me here in this place with exactly what I need. My eyes only see what seems like not enough, but my heart trusts Your perfect provision. Calm me. Open my eyes to see You've already won the battle and what seems all-life-consuming is merely a wimpy, pathetic, in-the-moment glimpse of my life held in You."

Please know that this living fully in the here and now does not excuse me from living a life without direction. What it does is free me from the entrapment of not living fully where I am, in my now. In my here. 

Let me urge you, and in doing so remind myself, to open your eyes to where you are. Find joy and peace where you are. Maybe you can make a daily list of what God is doing for you? Maybe you can whisper a simple prayer of gratitude? Maybe even whisper a plea for God to open your eyes to where you are, who He is and what He is doing in your now?

Let me end with this note from Priscilla's Gideon study:

"Refuse to search for significance in another place if you have bypassed any near and necessary steps in the journey God has for you. Pray for courageous faith and holy boldness to start where you are."