my naked soul revealed
I was taught once that vulnerability is good. Especially in missions. But for the girl who wears her emotional skin on inside out vulnerability looks a bit different in my reality. It looks a whole heck of a lot more like a naked soul. Nothing hidden. Every emotion oozing and dripping onto each and every already ooey gooey sticky surface of life. Messy.
Life with a naked soul is messy.
I have discovered most recently in my life that my naked soul often can have several different negative ways of affecting others (by the way, if you are ever interested in some serious soul-searching - just head the mission field - it'll reveal all the darkest corners of your soul you weren't aware of before):
1. A naked soul often scares the hibbie-jeebies outta people. And that generally creates distance... It's like "woah, this chick is way too complicated and ain't nobody got time for that".
2. A naked soul can make others feel intimidated. And that generally creates distance... Especially since in my case this naked soul is combined with my in-your-face wide-open loudness. In my own defense though, I figure that life is meant to be lived. And one way to do that quite effectively is with loudness. Loud laughter. Loud earrings. Loud fun. Vibrant life is, in my opinion, just plainly more fun. When I was a child someone offered me five bucks if I could remain silent for a short period of time. I didn't score the cash. And then, did y'all know in high school I was voted "most boisterous"? Even as an adult I have been "challenged to remain silent" (that is an exact quote). For my entire life I have basically been told to shut up. Oh wow. So, ummmmm, yeah... combine this "interesting" attribute with my naked soul and I have a way of intimidating others.
3. A naked soul can make others feel closer to me than I feel to them. They know me because of my naked soul, but for a differing barrage of reasons quite often it isn't reciprocated. And that generally creates a distance that people do not know is there.
However even with some of these things happening as a result, being a naked soul still comes overtly easy to me. It is something I learned as a child. Most MK (missionary kids) do. We are crunched for time to connect cause we are always on the move so we move to the deeper level in friendships as a survival technique. But my naked soul isn't just a learned thing. It is really who I am. I don't have many barriers in life and I tend to trust too quickly and too deeply. I am gullible.
Another interesting twist to who I am is that very frequently I am completely oblivious to what is happening around me. Unless people tell me, "you scare me by your honesty" or "you intimidate me because of your realness" or "shut up you talk too much" I don't generally even know that is what is happening. And I despise this part of me. I have to consciously look around me to know what is happening and how I am affecting others. And because I am such an airhead I very rarely step back in life to look around and see what's happening. Grrrr. I deplore the fact that I live in a near constant state of oblivion. I am not a glass-half-empty girl or a glass-half-full girl. I am the do-what-there's-a-glass?!-where's-the-glass-I-don't-see-a-glass girl. It's a fight. Let me tell ya. *smile* But God's still good in it. It's me, but it's the me He created. So, it's a gift.
Combine my gullibleness and my fruity airheadedness with my naked soul and loudness and BAM here I am. All messy. All me.
This furlough. This time preparing to return to PNG. This healing. This renewal. This life I am living right now... is having me delve deep into who I am. And last week I admitted something about my newest discovery. First to myself and then to a heart friend. And since then my naked soul has felt more naked. It's like a new little part of me has been chipped away or rather picked at until it bled and then was uncovered. Raw. I don't really like how messy this new revelation is. So, what better way to help process it than to blab it to the world? Hahahahaha.
So here goes nothing.
I am weak.
Let me clarify my weakness-declaration. I admit my weakness to God all the time. Duh. I can do NOTHING except by Him. But I am not quite so convinced that admitting my weakness to people serves me in the way I desire. Or maybe it's just my pride? Or maybe it's my healing wounds from a not so far distant past where admitting weakness were used a target practice at my heart and ministry? Maybe it both? Yep. Definitely both.
A huge part of me is really prideful. And I have a rather distasteful way of sugar coating my pride that makes it feel more acceptable. I like to pretend in my head that my individuality - my me-ness - makes me strong enough that I don't care what others think. That's pride. Hello. Icky pride.
In my recent life history lotsa people have hurt me. (Disclaimer: I am not innocent and perfect. There are many, many faults in me, however that doesn't mean that I can pretend that my hurt doesn't exist. Neither does it mean that I can discredit the hurt I have.) But, holy cow, that makes me feel weak. I don't want to care what others think of me. I don't want to admit that I can and have let people hurt me. I don't want to need people UNLESS they need me. I think that is one of the biggest reasons why partnership development is so difficult for me. I don't like needing people giving to us so that we can sustain life. Especially when it feels like I am giving nothing back in return. I am prideful and would rather do it by myself. But that isn't my reality. My reality is that I need people. I need people for every single teeny weeny part of my life. God sustains us and what we receive to live off of for life and ministry is His, but it comes via His people. And that's His way. He wants us needing each other.
"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 NLT
Yet, I still don't want to need people unless they need me. But I do. I need people who don't necessarily need me in the same way and that makes me feel weak. Even more vulnerable. Even more naked. Even more raw. And remember... I am already living my life open and oozing.
Which in turn makes me feel even weaker.
"Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT
I don't know about you. But that's a lot to swallow. I can apply this Scripture -these absolute truths- to many different aspects of my life. But saying I am to boast about the fact that I like people to like me seems to cross over into a different territory inside me. I betcha a dollar that in each one of y'all that are reading there is a part of you that this verse hits a sour note on. A place where you feel too weak. I betcha another dollar that my weakness looks and is most likely very trivial next to yours. Don't discredit my weakness. Equally important... don't discredit your weakness.
It's in our most gigantical weaknesses that God's grace abounds and flows through every nook and cranny of our lives.
"I will bandage the injured and strengthen the weak. But I will destroy those who are fat and powerful." Ezekiel 34:16 NLT
Great googley-moogley. Read that again.
"I will bandage the injured and strengthen the weak. But I will destroy those who are fat and powerful."
He wants us to need Him. That is not sadistic. That's romantic. He loves us so much. He desires you and me. He wooes us all unto Himself. And none of us. Not me. Not you. NO ONE is complete without Him.
So weakness. Even silly weaknesses like my newly publicly admitted one. My weakness. Your weakness. Our weaknesses are His perfected way of seeking us. Seeking you and seeking me to draw us unto Himself.
I admit my weakness to you. I admit my brokenness as a way to recognize and hopefully and prayerfully bring an eye opening realization to you that you don't always have to be strong. I have found that in baring my weak, raw and naked soul I find His strength revealed. Most tangibly.
"O Jacob, how can you say that Lord does not see your troubles? O Israel, how can you say God ignores your rights? Have you not heard? Have you not understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of all the earth. He nevers grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of His understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find NEW strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:27-31 NLT
Life with a naked soul is messy.
I have discovered most recently in my life that my naked soul often can have several different negative ways of affecting others (by the way, if you are ever interested in some serious soul-searching - just head the mission field - it'll reveal all the darkest corners of your soul you weren't aware of before):
1. A naked soul often scares the hibbie-jeebies outta people. And that generally creates distance... It's like "woah, this chick is way too complicated and ain't nobody got time for that".
2. A naked soul can make others feel intimidated. And that generally creates distance... Especially since in my case this naked soul is combined with my in-your-face wide-open loudness. In my own defense though, I figure that life is meant to be lived. And one way to do that quite effectively is with loudness. Loud laughter. Loud earrings. Loud fun. Vibrant life is, in my opinion, just plainly more fun. When I was a child someone offered me five bucks if I could remain silent for a short period of time. I didn't score the cash. And then, did y'all know in high school I was voted "most boisterous"? Even as an adult I have been "challenged to remain silent" (that is an exact quote). For my entire life I have basically been told to shut up. Oh wow. So, ummmmm, yeah... combine this "interesting" attribute with my naked soul and I have a way of intimidating others.
3. A naked soul can make others feel closer to me than I feel to them. They know me because of my naked soul, but for a differing barrage of reasons quite often it isn't reciprocated. And that generally creates a distance that people do not know is there.
However even with some of these things happening as a result, being a naked soul still comes overtly easy to me. It is something I learned as a child. Most MK (missionary kids) do. We are crunched for time to connect cause we are always on the move so we move to the deeper level in friendships as a survival technique. But my naked soul isn't just a learned thing. It is really who I am. I don't have many barriers in life and I tend to trust too quickly and too deeply. I am gullible.
Another interesting twist to who I am is that very frequently I am completely oblivious to what is happening around me. Unless people tell me, "you scare me by your honesty" or "you intimidate me because of your realness" or "shut up you talk too much" I don't generally even know that is what is happening. And I despise this part of me. I have to consciously look around me to know what is happening and how I am affecting others. And because I am such an airhead I very rarely step back in life to look around and see what's happening. Grrrr. I deplore the fact that I live in a near constant state of oblivion. I am not a glass-half-empty girl or a glass-half-full girl. I am the do-what-there's-a-glass?!-where's-the-glass-I-don't-see-a-glass girl. It's a fight. Let me tell ya. *smile* But God's still good in it. It's me, but it's the me He created. So, it's a gift.
Combine my gullibleness and my fruity airheadedness with my naked soul and loudness and BAM here I am. All messy. All me.
This furlough. This time preparing to return to PNG. This healing. This renewal. This life I am living right now... is having me delve deep into who I am. And last week I admitted something about my newest discovery. First to myself and then to a heart friend. And since then my naked soul has felt more naked. It's like a new little part of me has been chipped away or rather picked at until it bled and then was uncovered. Raw. I don't really like how messy this new revelation is. So, what better way to help process it than to blab it to the world? Hahahahaha.
So here goes nothing.
I am weak.
Let me clarify my weakness-declaration. I admit my weakness to God all the time. Duh. I can do NOTHING except by Him. But I am not quite so convinced that admitting my weakness to people serves me in the way I desire. Or maybe it's just my pride? Or maybe it's my healing wounds from a not so far distant past where admitting weakness were used a target practice at my heart and ministry? Maybe it both? Yep. Definitely both.
A huge part of me is really prideful. And I have a rather distasteful way of sugar coating my pride that makes it feel more acceptable. I like to pretend in my head that my individuality - my me-ness - makes me strong enough that I don't care what others think. That's pride. Hello. Icky pride.
In my recent life history lotsa people have hurt me. (Disclaimer: I am not innocent and perfect. There are many, many faults in me, however that doesn't mean that I can pretend that my hurt doesn't exist. Neither does it mean that I can discredit the hurt I have.) But, holy cow, that makes me feel weak. I don't want to care what others think of me. I don't want to admit that I can and have let people hurt me. I don't want to need people UNLESS they need me. I think that is one of the biggest reasons why partnership development is so difficult for me. I don't like needing people giving to us so that we can sustain life. Especially when it feels like I am giving nothing back in return. I am prideful and would rather do it by myself. But that isn't my reality. My reality is that I need people. I need people for every single teeny weeny part of my life. God sustains us and what we receive to live off of for life and ministry is His, but it comes via His people. And that's His way. He wants us needing each other.
"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 NLT
Yet, I still don't want to need people unless they need me. But I do. I need people who don't necessarily need me in the same way and that makes me feel weak. Even more vulnerable. Even more naked. Even more raw. And remember... I am already living my life open and oozing.
Which in turn makes me feel even weaker.
"Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT
I don't know about you. But that's a lot to swallow. I can apply this Scripture -these absolute truths- to many different aspects of my life. But saying I am to boast about the fact that I like people to like me seems to cross over into a different territory inside me. I betcha a dollar that in each one of y'all that are reading there is a part of you that this verse hits a sour note on. A place where you feel too weak. I betcha another dollar that my weakness looks and is most likely very trivial next to yours. Don't discredit my weakness. Equally important... don't discredit your weakness.
It's in our most gigantical weaknesses that God's grace abounds and flows through every nook and cranny of our lives.
"I will bandage the injured and strengthen the weak. But I will destroy those who are fat and powerful." Ezekiel 34:16 NLT
Great googley-moogley. Read that again.
"I will bandage the injured and strengthen the weak. But I will destroy those who are fat and powerful."
He wants us to need Him. That is not sadistic. That's romantic. He loves us so much. He desires you and me. He wooes us all unto Himself. And none of us. Not me. Not you. NO ONE is complete without Him.
So weakness. Even silly weaknesses like my newly publicly admitted one. My weakness. Your weakness. Our weaknesses are His perfected way of seeking us. Seeking you and seeking me to draw us unto Himself.
I admit my weakness to you. I admit my brokenness as a way to recognize and hopefully and prayerfully bring an eye opening realization to you that you don't always have to be strong. I have found that in baring my weak, raw and naked soul I find His strength revealed. Most tangibly.
"O Jacob, how can you say that Lord does not see your troubles? O Israel, how can you say God ignores your rights? Have you not heard? Have you not understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of all the earth. He nevers grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of His understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find NEW strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:27-31 NLT
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