fearlessly vacuum.
"You must run the risk of fearlessly loving without running away." Jason Gray
The last three days I find myself in a very scary slump. I don't quite care about the dirty dishes. Would rather not sweep or vacuum the floors. There are a few extra piles of laundry hanging out here and there. And the only personal grooming I have done is to brush my teeth and bathe. I guess some would say I am lazy. I can promise I am not depressed. I don't feel sad at all. I just feel blah. Like if I sat totally motionless for hours on end - that would be okay with me.
I tend to get "this way" when life turns monotonous. God is teaching me about finding Him in the simple things... even in spending 14 hours a day cooped in the same room with a six year old, seven days a week. Yes, God is good in all things.
I like to examine things. Pick situations apart to understand them. Find the meaning and purpose to what God is accomplishing in me. What is He up to? What can I learn from this? How can I serve Him in this? How can I love Him more in this???
Am I making any sense? Are they any other people like me out there?
But in all my examining, when I start to notice things are outta whack in my thought processing, I throw up warning signs. Why don't I care if there are crumbs on the kitchen floor? What's wrong with me?
Well, I have an answer. I am trying to escape. And by the way, if you have continued to read this post you know more about me that you probably want to by now. (*evil grin* I have sucked you into my head!)
On the scale of flight or fight response I am all (100 billion zillion percent) flight. Well, maybe not that bad. Marty has taught me a little bit about fighting back, and I have toughened up some over the years... but my initial response will always be to run and hide. So when I start to notice in all my self-examining thoughts that things are outta line and those warning flags are flying high I almost automatically begin to ask myself if I am self-medicating or escaping something that is uncomfortable...
So what am I trying to escape from? From home schooling? Yes. From the responsibilities of feeling pressured to perform and behave as a proper missionary? Yes. From the reality that I live with my sweet in-laws and will remain feeling "homeless" for the rest of my life? Yes.
I guess life is seeming blah, and I feel stuck. This isn't gonna be a good thing to reveal. It is totally my sinful nature, but none-the-less here it is anyways - I can't wait for things to change. Total shocker, I know! You never would have guessed!! I can't wait to reach 100%. I can't wait to pack our bags. Stress over airfare and insane schedules. I can't wait for what I have talked about, dreamed about, and prayed about to become my reality.
So all day I have felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to vacuum... that my running away from these silly tasks are in essence my attempt at a mental escape from my reality. And then I hear the song that I started this post with. "You must run the risk of fearlessly loving without running away." Jason Gray
So. Now what? What do I do?
Fearlessly get up. Fearlessly sweep. Fearlessly vacuum. Fearlessly fold clothes. Fearlessly teach school. And control my day dreams a bit... all while praising God for His sovereignty in placing me where I am. These are the tasks that He has given me, and because I fearlessly love Him I will serve Him in these ways.
Tomorrow though. Cause tonight it's too late to clean house. Besides Jade is finally asleep and more importantly SILENT for the first time since before 8 this morning... so my prayer is this for in the morning:
"those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40:31 NLT
The last three days I find myself in a very scary slump. I don't quite care about the dirty dishes. Would rather not sweep or vacuum the floors. There are a few extra piles of laundry hanging out here and there. And the only personal grooming I have done is to brush my teeth and bathe. I guess some would say I am lazy. I can promise I am not depressed. I don't feel sad at all. I just feel blah. Like if I sat totally motionless for hours on end - that would be okay with me.
I tend to get "this way" when life turns monotonous. God is teaching me about finding Him in the simple things... even in spending 14 hours a day cooped in the same room with a six year old, seven days a week. Yes, God is good in all things.
I like to examine things. Pick situations apart to understand them. Find the meaning and purpose to what God is accomplishing in me. What is He up to? What can I learn from this? How can I serve Him in this? How can I love Him more in this???
Am I making any sense? Are they any other people like me out there?
But in all my examining, when I start to notice things are outta whack in my thought processing, I throw up warning signs. Why don't I care if there are crumbs on the kitchen floor? What's wrong with me?
Well, I have an answer. I am trying to escape. And by the way, if you have continued to read this post you know more about me that you probably want to by now. (*evil grin* I have sucked you into my head!)
On the scale of flight or fight response I am all (100 billion zillion percent) flight. Well, maybe not that bad. Marty has taught me a little bit about fighting back, and I have toughened up some over the years... but my initial response will always be to run and hide. So when I start to notice in all my self-examining thoughts that things are outta line and those warning flags are flying high I almost automatically begin to ask myself if I am self-medicating or escaping something that is uncomfortable...
So what am I trying to escape from? From home schooling? Yes. From the responsibilities of feeling pressured to perform and behave as a proper missionary? Yes. From the reality that I live with my sweet in-laws and will remain feeling "homeless" for the rest of my life? Yes.
I guess life is seeming blah, and I feel stuck. This isn't gonna be a good thing to reveal. It is totally my sinful nature, but none-the-less here it is anyways - I can't wait for things to change. Total shocker, I know! You never would have guessed!! I can't wait to reach 100%. I can't wait to pack our bags. Stress over airfare and insane schedules. I can't wait for what I have talked about, dreamed about, and prayed about to become my reality.
So all day I have felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to vacuum... that my running away from these silly tasks are in essence my attempt at a mental escape from my reality. And then I hear the song that I started this post with. "You must run the risk of fearlessly loving without running away." Jason Gray
So. Now what? What do I do?
Fearlessly get up. Fearlessly sweep. Fearlessly vacuum. Fearlessly fold clothes. Fearlessly teach school. And control my day dreams a bit... all while praising God for His sovereignty in placing me where I am. These are the tasks that He has given me, and because I fearlessly love Him I will serve Him in these ways.
Tomorrow though. Cause tonight it's too late to clean house. Besides Jade is finally asleep and more importantly SILENT for the first time since before 8 this morning... so my prayer is this for in the morning:
"those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40:31 NLT
Comments
Post a Comment